Note to my 20-ish self.
Ok, T...first off...reign in the sexiness, but cool out on the slutiness. It's gross, and makes you look pathetic. Sleeping around can be fun...but for christ's sake, at least know their names before you take them home, will ya?
And cool it with the blow pops-you look stupid standing in the middle of a bar sucking on a lolli. You would have been more respected downing a flaming blow job shot. You are not going to fix your self esteem issues being drunk and skanky all the time. Stop. Please.
Secondly. Just quit drinking...you are jacking up your stomach to nom repair. And we all know that you and alcohol do not mix. No one wants to see your clothes come off and you grinding on the dance floor. No one wants to know what you used to look like when you were a stripper. Here's what...stripping isn't glamorous now...and it wasn't then. Your perception is skewed. Alcohol doesn't make you sexier...it makes you annoying, and loud, and even more premiscuous than you already are. Didn't we just discuss the slutiness? Yeah...cool it. Drink a soda once in awhile.
Third.
You are not a hard ass. You cannot beat every guy, girl, or animal that gives you the stink-eye up. Quit acting like such a tough girl all the time. It makes you look like white trash and makes people affirm that you actually fit in that trailer park with your mom. You will go to jail at some point (ok...maybe not) but if you don't it will only be because you are very lucky. Do you want people to fear you? Do you want people to associate you with Big Prison Bertha? Yeah...so cool the tude, T. You know how to be classy, give that a try for once, will ya. Your temper can be dummied down if you at least give it a try-just once. And I promise as your almost 40 self that if you do...I WILL NOT call you a pussy.
Fourth.
Ok, the thing is...you will NOT find a good guy if you continue to be clingy and needy. Or...if you also continue to obsess about being married. You come off as a desperate and annoying to most men. And even the ones who stick around for any given time will prey upon that and hurt you. Have fun...date around...be happy while you are still young and some guy will see that you are a great girl worthy of being with. RELAX.
Fifth.
Speaking of becoming prey...DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES DATE THAT GUY ANGELO.
He is a Jersey-born douchebag. He WILL eat you up and spit you out. Yes...you think the sex is great...but there is other great sex out there. He is just one man...strike that...boy. You are smarter than that...don't be fooled. Tell him to go get fucked when he shows up at your window on a ladder with roses. Shut the window...tell him he is a pervy peeping tom...and call the cops-immediately. Trust me on this...don't do it.
Sixth.
Stay in school. Do not drop out to party. take care of your mom...but still go to school. You can do both. Finish...even the math classes. You can manage it. You will regret taking too much time to finish. Just buckle down and get it done. Get up early, go to class...drop on time. Get the grades you know you can. Just do it.
Seventh.
Take risks. Ask that hot guy in your biology class out. Find your inner voice and write...seriously. Tell your brother to man up and help you out with mom.
Eigth.
Speaking of your mom...spend more time with her. Love her...even when she is drunk. Tell her to go date and be happy. DO NOT CALL HER A BITCH. DO NOT DISRESPECT HER. Love her...cherish her...tell her you appreciate her. Don't consider taking care of her a burden. Love the time you have...and have the time that you WILL love. Ask her about you as a baby, your eating habits, your sleeping schedules, your childhood diseases. (Trust me...you will NEED this information down the road) Ask her about her past, make her tell you the truth. LOVE HER...always. Kiss her and cry in her lap. When she pushes you away...push back. Do not harbor a grudge when she favors your brother. Just shake it off and know how much she loves YOU. Remember all she sacrificed to be a single mom and raise you on a waitresses salary. She is your mom...and you do not have another. She will not be around forever. You WILL be crazy with grief and miss her more and more when she is not. Be there. Love.
Ninth.
Tell your father to spend time with you...bitch and moan...INSIST that he takes part in your life. Spend time. Laugh at his corny jokes. Do not push him away when he tries to show you affection. Love him too. he is your father...and you do not have another.He will not be around forever. You will miss him when he is gone. He loves you. Be there. Love.
And last but not least...
Pay your bills. Don't get credit cards or payday loans and not pay on them. Be responsible. Keep your apartment clean. Learn how to budget your paycheck. Just don't spend more than you make-ever.
Trust me on this.
20-ish self...don't be in a hurry to grow up...but be smart with your decisions.
Your 39-ish self begs you.
Last thought-
"When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.”
-Samuel Clemmons
Hindsight (sigh)-
Jaded
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