I never intended on being single at 38. As a matter of fact, I always saw myself as hitched at 25...at the very latest. I always saw myself with one kid (if that) and a happy life lingering in the arms of the man I love. My dreams always seemed so much better than reality, and who the hell am I kidding...they were better than reality...until recently.
I allow readers to fill in blanks about my personality and who I truly am.
Being an "open book" sometimes becomes boring to anyone listening, including myself.
While I would love to remain mysterious, or enigma-like...I am not. And that aspect of my personality probably will never change.
I pretty much vomit out damn near everything there is to know about me...Jadedgirl.
And this blog, was where it all began.
Recently I have begun to find myself.
The "real" me.
Not the worry wart, not the needy obsessive-compulsive girl, not the seemingly independent single mom. Not the "persona", if you will.
The true Jadedgirl.
The one whom has learned to hold back and not give in to flights of fancy, or crazy notions of love, or life. The one who knows what is...well...is.
I had an invitation to fly away for 4 days to a tropical location with a great guy, who really seems to like me for me, with no expectations of what I could be.
I turned him down.
I thought about it...waffled a few times...and settled on an answer, finally.
This is SO not like me, either.
A year ago I would have JUMPED at the chance for something like this. I would have been announcing to everyone my plans and counting myself lucky to have this invitation.
I would have already been packing.
But now, I am a different person.
It's not a trust thing, it's not even a cynical thing.
It's the ME I have become.
The one who is not sure she ever wants a relationship again. And marriage? Well...no...I really don't even want that either. I guess I finally realized that I do not have the wherewithal to want anything from men anymore. (well ok...there's the sex thing...but I can get that anytime without attaching myself to anything, for lack of a better term...permanent.)
I actually think I have no migrated over to the base camp of people who like being single.
How bout that?
Truly...I feel liberated from the ties I felt for so many damn years. Worrying constantly that I would be alone forever, or that no one would ever love me. And yeah...that all could be true...
But acceptance has made my life SO much easier now.
I do not troll internet dating sites, although I DO check them for messages...a date here and there keeps my self-esteem in check. And I do not inconspicuously linger my eyes on a cute guys left-hand-third-finger. I don't dream about weddings, or living situations, or anything like that.
The tropical getaway thing?
Well...it's like this...
I am just not ready for something of that caliber with anyone.
It sounds like such a silly little thing, really, I know. But this guy is probably wasting his time wooing me. I like him...don't get me wrong. But do I really want to go through the confusion of the whole- is this a relationship- talk? The butterfiles? The worry of him being states away for work and whether he is being faithful? The meeting of each others children and then almost inevitably the ripping away of those same children when things don't work out? The gift exchanges? The holidays?
And then the inevitable dumping, hurt feelings, tears, depression, self loathing?
I think not.
He may court me if he wishes when he decided to find a more stable job somewhere in THIS STATE.
Or perhaps by then I will have floated on to another worthy specimen..., and again...move on. (safely...of course) and time limits...yes...I have set parameters there as well.
6 months tops...and then on to bigger better brighter SINGLE things.
I hope to anyone reading that this doesn't seem unhealthy. Because honestly...I believe given my past, most shrinks would say that this is the healthiest attitude toward the opposite sex I have ever had.
And it suits me.
I actually have found that I like going to the movies alone...no one to gape haphazardly at me as I cram fistfulls of popcorn into my trap, no one to interrupt me with commentary about how (pick an adjective:) "cheezy, retatrted, unrealistic, or sappy" the flick is. No one to gripe about movie prices, and esepcially...no one to haggle with about which movie we see. I get to decide and sit there silently through an entire movie blissfully coated in popcorn oil and sticky soda crying into my napkin over a great lovestory. It my call.
I also have found that I like eating alone. No one to watch the fat girl graze, and no one to wince at my choices, and especially no one to have to negotiate the place with.
It is...again...my call.
I take a book and read and stuff my face joyfully.
It is bliss.
Doug and I are friends..before you wonder. He is actively dating and enjoying life with his friends and his new-found lovers. I believe he is happier than he has been in a very long time...which truly makes me happy for him.
Perhaps he will find some peace whether he decides to ever settle down again or not.
We are best friends...and always will be.
Enough about that.
Anyway...I like the new and improved me. And yes...I might have some loneliness along the way but...nothing a hot bath, a great book and a glass of wine won't cure.
Last thought-
"To dare to live alone is the rarest courage; since there are many who had rather meet their most bitter enemy in the field, than their own hearts in the closet..."
-Charles Colton
In the closet-
Jaded
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