Not That Girl...

So I have been watching this marathon of wedding-based movies all day today on TBS.

And maybe I shouldn't be.

Mostly because all at once I love them, and get terribly depressed at the end of them.

What exactly is it that depresses me?

Let's analyze, shall we?

It isn't so much about the marriage part as it is the love, I guess.

I grew up thinking that marriage is something that happens to everyone...no matter what. In my sheltered childhood exsistence I guess it never occured to me that some people in the world do NOT get married at all.

Some choose it-

Some wait too long-

and some just weren't meant to find their soulmate (if there is such a thing)

My whole marriage fantasy was never about the big party, the head over heels giddy love, the pomp, or anything like that. My marriage fantasy has always, and I mean this...always been about knowing that there is someone out there that "gets" you. There is someone out there that loves you so deeply that they are willing to spend the rest of their life with you. The sacrifice, the stability, the sameness of marriage. And while most people think that-that very sameness is what ends most marriages...I see it differently. I see it as knowing that there is someone there that really knows the "real" you at the end of the day. That person who...even after the initial romance leaves you... is still there. This person knows you, and has made that unutterable grand commitment to be there...no matter what.

It is just mind blowing.

I mean for the life of me I cannot fathom having that. I mean WOW. That is just really a thing to behold. A thing to be proud of, a thing to relish in.

I wish I knew what that is like...that grand gessture.

Don't get me wrong...I am in no hurry to be married. I am realistic.

I know ME.

I know I am unbelieveably neurotic, and clingy, and insecure...

I have a fear of abandoment that runs the entire length of the planet.

I know that I'm not much of a catch...on paper.

But, do you married people know how good you have it? Do you realize the grand greatness of what you have?

I get so damn irritated at people who cheat, or take their spouses for granted. And I also know that realistically marriage isn't perfect in every circumstance. But...why would people throw that gift away? And it is just that...a gift. The gift I spoke on earlier...someone loves you that much. WOW...again.

Now before I go on and say what I am going to say next let me just briefly add a small adendum here...I do not base what I am about to say on the fact that I have been watching sappy wedding movies all day. This is how I have felt for years, and part of the reason I was given the nickname Jadedgirl.

I am never getting married.

Yeah, I said it...wanna start something?

But seriously.

I am never getting married.

Not by choice, mind you. Initially I started out in my early 20's longing for it actually.

As young as I was...I was convinced that marriage was what I wanted at the time. I knew why I wanted it...for the same reasons stated above. I never realized though that I was really too young and immature at the time.

In my early 30's the "need" faded, and I was into the single thing...having fun, partying, having multiple dates, and a career and raising my son. No way was I introducing my kid to the guys I was hanging with then. I just wanted to be alone, with Bubba, and work. Get my collective shit together, if you will...and have a little fun in the process.

Then came now...my mid (almost late...shiver) 30's, and the partying is boring, and nothing seems as fun as it was then, and a hot book, a hot bath, and a hot cup of tea takes precidence over loud music and dancing the night away.

Here I am.

In no hurry really.

But the prospect of that word...marriage...sounds quite appealing.

I am in no rush though...please don't misunderstand. It just sounds much more appealing than it did 10 years ago is all.

The reason behind my big statement from before...

I one of those girls who never finds it.

That "soulmate"

That one guy who will treat my kid and me right, accept me for who I am, and take that leap of faith with me.

At 36...going on 37...sooner than I had hoped have realized that I am not marriage material.

I must have been fated to fight the good fight alone. I am apparently the brave girl that they never make movies about. The girl who does not have that magical draw, that something, that oomph, that zsa zsa zu, if you will- that a man crazily falls for and jumps head first over the cliff for...making that lifetime commitment to.

I am NOT that girl.

I learned a long time ago to stop dating the bad boys, to stop falling for the rebels, to quit dating, or even just crushing on unattainable men. But...I also wasn't looking for anyone before I met David. He just appreared out of nowhere. And that was precisely why...and I know this now..I put so much stock in our relationship from the beginning. I had always heard, love finds you when you least expect it...and when you aren't looking. I believed that this must be it then. This must be it, right? Yeah...well he turned out to be a douchebag, and I got killed in the process. I had never...I mean never with any man felt that they truly loved me even if they did say it to me. I never felt that I had found the guy who was going to take that leap. I thought I had with David. Towards the end I wasn't truly that happy honestly...but I chalked it up to relationship ups and downs. I believed for the first time-ever. And then...well...you know.

Belief can be a wicked, wicked thing. I found that out the hard way.

Then after many months of crying, feeling sorry for myself, hating men, wallowing in Ben and Jerry's, and self-loathing I decided that I was OK, and I needed to move on.

And then came Doug...as you all know by now.

And here I am...stupidly in love with someone who doesn't, and probably will never love me back. A great guy in every way...except that I am not the girl. I am not the girl he trusts with his life, loves me, and is willing to protect and cherish and be with for the rest of his.

I am not the girl.

How's that for a cold, hard, slap of reality for ya?

Before everyone panics...NO...Nothing is going wrong with our relationship. He's still fabulous, he's still sweet and kind, and giving, and just an all around awesome boyfriend.

He will probably never love me...but I would rather be with someone who treats me and my kid well than be completely alone.

Sure, he may decide to move on at some point. But I have prepared for this. I'm not walking blindly into a deathtrap or anything. I'll take the moments as they come. Life is short, what can I say? That whole better to have loved and lost thing comes to mind...

So...married people of the world...

Give him/her a kiss

Give him/her a hug

Buy him/her golf lessons or roses

Go on a cruise

Make love by candle light

Cherish what you have

That person may not put the toilet seat down after he randomly marks his territory

That person may leave her pantyhose hanging on the shower rod

That person may bitch and whine and complain

That person may scratch his butt, fart, belch and drink too much watching football

But that person chose YOU.

That person chose you FOREVER.

How lucky you truly you are.

Do you know it, though?

Buck up...you could be like me.

Not that girl.

Last thought-

"His hello was the end of her endings

Her laugh was their first step down the aisle

His hand would be hers to hold forever

His forever was as simple as her smile

He said she was what was missing

She said instantly she knew

She was a question to be answered

And his answer was, "I do."

I don't-

Jaded

PS...Image courtesy of Post Secret.