Ugh.
Yeah...in case you hadn't noticed, this entry will be about the men in (or not in) my life-yet again.
I know, seems very redundant, but I'm a but frustrated with them all...except the boy...who DOES frustrate me on the daily-but, those frustrations are what I am used to, and what make me the splendid mother I am.
So, no talk of the boy...just the other little boys who drive me absolutely NUTS.
Dating has never been easy for me. I am generally a relationship girl, and prefer monogamy over the fast and carefree life of the less-than-moral. Now, that being said...I am really FAR from prim and proper...OR sexually moral-given my past...erm....excursions. I have tasted the poison apple in my youth, and have enjoyed every bite. However, I am not gettin' any younger and am now edging 40, and unhappily sexless and single. Not a good combination for the likes of me. I am becoming cranky and out of sorts. As most of you know by reading...I like sex...it is my drug of choice. However, as mentioned before...I am close to an age where casually dating (ie) sleeping around...is NOT acceptable. And, no...I do not care how others perceive me in that way...but nearing a custody battle and not wanting to be sitting in Planned Parenthood waiting for seedy test results is not an option, either.
So...here we are.
I have been attempting the ugly and shallow pool of Internet dating-yet again.
Cause, you know...it has worked out so WELL for me in the past. Can you feel my eyes rolling? Yeah...
Bachelor #1
Bachelor #1 seemed very sweet online...his pics were above-average, and he was intelligent.
he complained early of not having the job he really wanted due to being laid off. That didn't bother me all that much. Given my past experience...I was just happy to see he had a job at all...and that said job did NOT involve embalming fluid (don't ask)
Anyway, bachelor number one had some promise at the beginning. Our conversations seemed to flow well and we had some things in common. He had a nice sense of humor, and a charming little slice of humble pie. I thought there was definitely a Hmmmm??? For a moment, anyway. Bachelor #1 was hearing impaired...and I suspect that this was the reason for the slight insecurity. I didn't mind this at all. I figured that one of my strong suits are that I am very good at building a man up from past losses. I am a great ego-booster. It's what I do. Yes, yes...it does tend to backfire on me more than it succeeds, because said men usually get all the pumping up they need and then bail-figuring...well...you get the gist.
So anyway, bachelor #1 and I set up a date, and decide to meet at Chili's (I pick Chili's a lot for dates as you will see as we go along here because it is inexpensive and casual, and central to me and said bachelor, generally) I show up at Chili's and sit in the lobby waiting. And waiting. And...yes...waiting.
20 minutes past the arranged time, and I am pretty much done feeling stupid and dejected and walk out of the building back to my car to cry. Being stood up is not something I have been able to easily shake off. My own fragile psyche is not welcome to the thought of MORE rejection than I have been used to.
I am almost to my car when I see from the corner of my eye someone jogging up to me-holding a book and another object resembling an orange cattle-prod in his other hand.
Yes...20 minutes late...bachelor #1.
He explains that he is SO SORRY his excuse for the tardiness. He claimed that he was sitting in the Applebees parking lot and just didn't realize he was at the wrong place. Huh?
So, I forgive him and decide a second chance is in order...everyone deserves a second chance in this case, and I also figured if it worked out it would be a funny story to share on down the road.
So, he holds out the orange thing I mentioned before and hands it to me.
A child's bubble wand toy.
I stared at his hand and asked him what he wanted me to do with it...and he said that he bought it for me.
This was his first date gift.
A bubble wand.
No flowers...no candy...a bubble wand.
Original...I'll give him that, I guess.
In his other hand...a book.
I wanted to ask him why he had a book...but after the gift, I was kind of afraid to ask.
So we went in to eat.
This is where it got really bad.
Bachelor #1 was literally bouncing off of the walls hyper. I mean...talking faster than the Jimmy Johns sandwich guy.
I finally had to say something to settle him down.
We ate, he did most of the talking and I sat there...bored.
Bachelor #1 was a very sweet and genuine guy, but...he just wasn't for me. I had to send the dreaded email the next day letting him know. And I did feel like shit, honestly. But...I decided a long time ago that settling for someone that was not suited for me was no longer a part of my forte...not by a long shot.
Bachelor #2
Bachelor #2 was 40-ish and had some great pics as well. His smile was very open and seemingly genuine.
He had children and from what he said was a great father to them.
Bachelor #2 insisted on something "less generic" than Chili's...which I took to mean...more pricey.
So, I suggested my favorite Italian place-Basta O'Neill's.
We ate and talked.
I got a sense of bitterness from him about his ex wife and his in-laws. I tried to avoid this topic...but it seemed to keep springing up. He was downing his third glass of wine and began going into more detail of his divorce. And honestly...(and this is going to sound SO mean...but I am honest to a fault, what can I say)
He just seemed like he had always just let everyone in his life walk all over him...from employer to ex wife to parents...to well...everyone. He just seemed like a total loser. The kind of guy who has had NO success in his life whatsoever. And my thinking at this point was: two losers does not equal one beautiful relationship.
This was not going to happen.
Especially after he downed two more glasses of wine and was content to drive back to Bloomington.
Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention the sneaky pull from the flask when he got into his car.
Alcoholic.
Yeah...no thanks.
Bachelor #3
Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse...I can fool you EVERYTIME. I saved the absolute best for last. Bet you cannot WAIT to hear this can you?
Yeah.
So, bachelor #3 -(we will call him wee peter) and I talked for about 4 days online and through text messages.
Wee Peter asked a lot of sexual questions-which started out rubbing me the wrong way, but then I figured that I needed either a boyfriend OR a booty call soon...so I would see which way this path went.
Wee Peter was cute...very nice eyes, bald, pierced ears and nipples (which I loooooove) had a half way decent job, and doted about his 13 year old daughter. He seemed to be suited for me in a lot of ways. His two red flags were-one I mentioned before...all the pre-occupation with sex before even getting to know me a little, and the second...he was from Pekin.
I won't go into this much...I'll just say...I am nit a big fan of Pekin. I have a very select few friends that do live there...but most of them are NOT from there originally...and Pekin people...are their own breed. I do have a few who are from there originally and I love them dearly...but the masses there (with the few exceptions I mentioned) are asses.
So...red flags aside, I decided to see what would take place.
We met for coffee at Panera...just a simple day date for conversation and playing the getting-to-know-you game.
First impressions: blah.
He was dressed in khaki shorts with a few random holes, and a faded seemingly 20 year old Hard Rock Cafe T-shirt.
He wasn't doing much to impress...but another thing I let slide...I never judge a book by it's cover cause you never really know.
So, the conversation seemed to be clicking well, and there was an initial spark.
Although, honestly...I'm not sure if what was clicking was my hormone level...or my boyfriend meter.
So, we hang out and decide to have dinner...yeah...at Chili's again.
I politely said to him that I didn't expect him to pay, and he didn't argue.
Red flag #3. Cheap.
So we have more scintillating conversation over fajitas and he tells me all about his daughter and his life.
I volunteer some info back...and that's that.
Date ends with a hug and a call me....
So, I was on the fence about him...but figured that I needed more time with him to really decide.
Then out of the blue on a Monday night he sends me a random picture of his penis.
Seriously?
At this point this guy was not impressing me at all...he was registering like school on Saturday: NO CLASS.
Before I could respond...another text goes through...and all it says was something to the effect of him having a "friend" in Springfield who would be "okay" with having a threesome with us.
At this point...I was floored.
First of all...his penis was less than impressive...hence his pseudonym.
And he had the gaul to just assume I was going to drop everything and come a- runnin' to his threesome.
Yeah.
So...I ignored him figuring he would get the hint and just go away...jerk.
Yep...you guessed it. This is ME we are talking about...he didn't.
I get another text the next day...a LONG text saying something to this effect:
I'm sorry, but I want to be honest and tell you that I would not like to pursue a relationship with you. When we spoke...you said that you would not have a threesome if you were in the relationship, and I REALLY want to have a threesome, so I would like to ask if that would be ok instead. Could we have a strictly sexual relationship and have a threesome instead of getting all serious? Of course, I would let you know if I change my mind on down the line...
OMG.
Laughable, I know.
So, rather than get angry and text back that he has a small penis and lives in Pekin, I simply told him no thanks.
I figured this guy wasn't intelligent enough to understand insults anyway.
So he texts back to me-Are you mad? Why would you be mad? I don't understand???
This is when I poured salt in the wound for him since he was obviously completely retarded.
I then just said...well...I may have been interested in a threesome if you had taken the time to get to know me better...but I don't think so now. As I said...no thanks. Take care.
He texted back...Oh come on...Isn't this what you want? Maybe we could try a relationship...I can hold off on the threesome...
Yeah...I didn't respond.
Loser.
The thing that burned me the most was that he couldn't understand why I would be mad.
And the fact that I apparently wasn't as important to him as having a threesome is.
Well...the joke is on him, because I have done the threesome...and I was FABULOUS.
And he is a typical dumbass man who lost out.
I hate dating...but I will say it sure has been interesting along the way.
Depressing...yet...interesting.
I know that there is no such thing as perfect prince charming...but right now, I'd settle for the frog. They have to be better than this.
UGH.
Last thought-
"My friends always complain about my lack of a boyfriend. Well, next time they ask, I'm going to tell them, I am actively dating! I'm dating four different guys : Mr. Duracell, Mr. Energizer, Ben and Jerry."
-- Michelle Landry
Playing the game-
Jaded
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