I am single, as most of you already know given my past blogging explorations.
I have never been married, nor do I assume that I ever will be. Honestly, I gave up on the concept years ago, truth be told.
I have a few married friends, but most of my closer pals are also single, either divorced, or like me, hopeless.
I wouldn't say I like being single all of the time, but I have grown weary of compromises, and feel that the solid way to go is to just live my life and not dwell on the situation as it is.
I like all women, and don't choose to keep company with all marrieds, or non-marrieds. But lately I have been noticing a trend with those of the coupled persuasion. A disturbing trend that, quite frankly and for lack of a better term that does it justice, bugs the crap out of me.
The rules of the game:
1. I am not after your husband.
I may look at him and appreciate some aspects of his personality or looks, but only out of sheer appreciation for his form and manner. I am not looking to wreck your home. I have morals and a conscience-especially if children are involved. I am not looking to be "the other woman" I am perfectly content to be your husbands friend-as I am with you, and nothing more. Please stop questioning my motives-please do not assume that just because I am single that I am on a mission to break up your happy (or most of the time) un-happy home. Sure...he's an attractive guy. But trust me...there are a MILLION more like him out there that are waiting to break my heart, and they do NOT happen to be married.
2. Stop with the fucking insecurity.
A good rule of thumb, married women?
If he has given you a reason to be insecure...leave him-or live with it.
Find your own boy toy and have at it. Have an open marriage, have fun...play the game. Otherwise...what can I tell you? Oh yes...I remember...this is what I can tell you: if he has cheated on you in the past...in my experience...he will again. NOT with me, but with someone else-trust me on this. Once a cheater...always a cheater-no exceptions to this rule.
Agree with me, or disagree with me on this-denial is NOT a river in Egypt, ladies.
3. Quit beating me to death with cliches.
For fucks sake, if I hear the words "don't worry, he will come along when you least expect it." one more time, I am going to cut the third finger on your left hand-with the ring attached and wear it around my neck like a trophy.
Here's what-stop pitying me. I MAY like to be single for all you know, or I may be full of the wisdom that you spout out of your mouth for free for years to come. I may not want your advice, or even if I DID...I would like you keep it real and say what's on your mind, and not bore me to death with something out of a Hints From Heloise article. Thanks.
4. Do NOT mark your territory.
Pissing on him is disgusting, and also goes back to #2 above. Seriously, hanging all over him in resembelance of a cheap poly-blend suit does not make him off limits. If he wants to get away from you and stick his penis into another woman, as I said before...he will whether you are standing there at the party with your tongue in his ear, or not.
5. If your husband DOES cross the line and hit on me, I will set him straight.
If you believe that he was just admiring the texture of the material on the shirt covering my cleavage, and felt the need to actually feel it for himself...you are sailing on that river again. I did nothing to encourage him-trust me.
6. Fuck your husband. Fuck him well, and often.
Do not make the same stupid mistake that 99.9% of married women do and assume that because you have reached the altar and he finally slipped that rock on your digit that you can now safely clamp your legs together and call it a day. PUT OUT-and do it creatively, please. I mean...keep it interesting. I don't care HOW you decide to do this, per'se...(you should communicate with him to find out what his kink, or weekly perversion is)...that's your JOB as a wife. If you keep him happy in the home...he will not stray (generally) Some men can't control themselves, I know this too. But MOST men will be happy and faithful if you keep them happy sexually at home. It's not my fault that I am one of those rare woman who actually LIKE sex. It is not my fault that you DO NOT. I am not trying to fuck your husband, as I said before. If I wanted to, trust me on this sister...I could have already 99% of the time.
7. Being a bitch to me is NOT going to deter me.
Lets say for instance that I WAS the type of woman to sleaze my way into your husbands arms. If I were...being a beotch to me is only going to push me closer to him and NOT further away...trust me. This is the point at which I will work even harder to puruse him...now not just because I heard he is hung like a bull, but now because I want to spite you for being an evil troll to me.
Ok married women...let's clear the fuck slush out of your head now, and listen up...
If I can give you one piece of advice in this entire rant it is this. This is the nugget of wisdom that I would like to you gather here...
KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE...BUT KEEP YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER.
Here is an example of HOW I know this works:
I followed and managed a plethora of local bar bands for years. A lot of the guys in the bands were (and still are) total hotties. And not just by my taste standards...by most womens. There is one band in particular-which I will not name here for reasons of anonyimity that has two totally smoking hot guys, and the rest of the members are older...or just so so.
The two wives of the hotties are two of THE coolest chicks I have ever met. They have always been very cool with me, and most of the drooling horde in the audience. The women with the so-so or older husbands are nasty and possesive...threatening to beat every girl who bats their eyes at their collective husbandry. Yet the two women with the most to lose hang back and have a good time at shows, talking to everyone, even the cleavaged, sexy, and admantly sexual girls.
Here is their secret...they PUT OUT. They know they have nothing to worry about cause the night before they were both dressed in lingirie, and having a stripper pole installed in their bedrooms. They also know that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar, and they can watch your coveting ass up close and personal to see if you are crossing the line with their hubbies.
It's THAT simple.
Fuck slush, cleared? Good.
Moving on.
8. Just because you are married doesn't mean that there is something wrong with me.
You are NOT better than I am.
You are NOT prettier than I am.
AND
You are NOT a better woman than I am.
You ARE...
a.) Lucky enough to have found someone who is right for you (or NOT right for you for most married women I know)
b.)Probably unhappy.
c.) Dilusional.
Get over yourself, please. being married does not give you the right to pity, dislike, or distrust me.
I just happen to be single in a world of non-singles. I have probably been more picky than you, and smarter in my decisions as far as love.
I refused to marry the first guy who gave me the once-over.
I am much stronger than you, and much more brave.
I face being alone evenry day of my life, and this will only make my marriage (when and if it ever comes) better, stronger, closer, and LASTING.
You have NO right to judge me-period.
So, ok...rant over for now.
Married women, please knock it off...please STOP whispering behind my back and giving me the stink-eye everytime I talk, or even stand next to you husband. Please STOP calling me the "whore" or "home-wrecking tramp" to your other married friends. Have a little faith, will you?
Work smarter-no harder on YOUR marriage, and worry less about me and more about buying that "Astro Rabbit" in the Fredericks catalogue to surprise your husband with after the kids have gone to sleep.
Even IF you came to me tomorrow and gave me your full permission to nail your husband...I probably wouldn't do it, anyway. It all depends, truth be told. But as I can probably never see that happening...it's a moot point.
Yes, I am single.
No, I am not unhappy.
Can't we all just get along???
Last Thought-
"The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves..."
-William Penn
In trouble,
Jaded
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