As promised, (last month, I think?) Another (and the last) list post...
I am on spring break from school this week, and figured that I should tackle this monster while I still have time to do so, because after the break...I'm on the books steady til May.
Now...
As we have already hit the 25 best love songs, and then the 25 funniest songs, now...the crappiest or the 25 absolute worst songs of all time. Now...if I happen to offend anyone with my choices, please keep in mind, this is only one persons opinion, and in my defense, I think that many, many people would agree with me on most of these anyway.
So...with no further ado, The 25 WORST songs ever recorded in the history of man.
1. In-A-Gada-Da-Vida- Iron Butterfly
Apparently the singer for Iron Butterfly was so wasted when recording this psychedelic trip-worthy song he couldn't even pronounce the title to it correctly and it stuck. The correct lyric for the title is: "In the garden of Eden, baby..." Anyway, besides the title the whole song is just kinda stupid, and the music is terribly composed and awash with sloppy keyboard droning. Trite, boring and meaningless lyrics and a talentless vocal, leads the listener to a healthy dose of Tylenol. I could go without hearing this song for the rest of my life and be a happy, happy girl.
"In a Gadda-Da-Vida, Baby don't you know that I'll always love you.
In a Gadda-Da-Vida, Honey
You know I'll always be true
In a Gadda-Da-Vida, Baby don't You know that I'll always love you.
In a Gadda-Da-Vida, Honey
You know I'll always be true."
2. Everybody Hurts- R.E.M.
Ughhhh...wimpy, annoying, flaccid vocals from Michael Stipe. Depressing and OBVIOUS lyrics. Apparently we are all too dumb to understand that we all hurt?
Comparative to elevator music, or while drooling in the dentist's chair...not a good song from a fairly genius lyric writer. Dissapointing to say the least.
"Well, everybody hurts sometimes,Everybody cries.
and everybody hurts sometimes.
And everybody hurts sometimes.
so, hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on. hold on, hold on. hold on, hold on. "
3. Whiskey Lullaby-Allison Kraus/Brad Paisley
Ok, I love Allsion Kraus normally and Brad Paisley's ode to alchohol that was released back in 2006 is a total country favorite. BUT...and here's my BIG butt for all to see... This song is absolutely the most depressing one ever written. You know the old cliche's about sad country and western songs...my trailer burnt down, my dog died, my mom is hooked on crack...etc. Tear in my beer typified stuff right? Ok...this song epitomizes all of those cliches all rolled together. Seriously, this song gives country music a bad stereotype and name. The irony? HAHA...I believe this song won a grammy 2 years ago, and a CMA as well. It was also critically acclaimed. Yeah...I need to be MORE depressed about my life, right? Apparently, just like the Oscars you have to be weepy and serious to be believed as talented. Ughhh.
Anyway, enough ranting...here are the lyrics. Or better yet, look it up at Youtube and hear for yourself. If you don't have a gun in your mouth after hearing it, I'll buy you some crack and a new dog.
"She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette
She broke his heart he spent his whole life tryin' to forget
We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time
But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind
Until the night
[1st Chorus]
He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said I'll love her till I die
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby
The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself
For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath
She finally drank her pain away a little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind
Until the night
[2nd Chorus]
She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away his memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees
We found her with her face down in the pillow
Clinging to his picture for dear life
We laid her next to him beneath the willow
While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby.
4. She's Like The Wind- Patrick Swayze
Bad lyrics, bad vocals, bad musical composition. Bad song...nuff said. And, who told the guy who beat beat up bad boys in bars he could effin sing anyway? Nobody puts baby in a corner, huh? How about nobody puts a B-side star on an A side record! The saddest part of the whole thing is that The Dirty Dancing Soundtrack is a really good one, minus this caterwalling thing they called a song. And what exactly is a "young-old" man???? Ughhh...who knows. TOTAL TRIPE!
"I look in the mirror
And all I see
Is a young old man
With only a dream
Am I just fooling myself
That she'll stop the pain?
Living without her I'd go insane."
5. I've Never Been To Me- Charlene
Ok...apparently this broad is schizo. That; or she is having a severe identity crisis, and all her friends are tired of listeneing to her drone on about her sad life, so she then chose to talk to herself, and THEN she started screwing her pastor? Jibberish is the only way to describe this song. I have one one word for her: PROZAC.
And maybe also: Step away from the sheet music slowly...we have snipers who are instructed to fire at will...please step away from the sheet music. Seriously.
"Hey lady, you lady, cursing at your life
You're a discontented mother and a regimented wife
I've no doubt you dream about the things you'll never do
But, I wish someone had talked to me
Like I wanna talk to you.....
Oh, I've been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run
I took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun
But I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free
I've been to paradise but I've never been to me."
6. Muskrat Love- The Captain and Tenielle
I should have put this song on my funniest song list actually because it's so ridiculous it's laughable. I don't even know where to begin to even make fun of this song. The lyrics should just speak for themselves. I can't help but wonder if the producer was really high when they were recording it and thought: "What the hell...pass the cheetos, dude." It's kinda like when God created the Duckbill Platypus...you KNOW he had to be ripped when he did that, right? Same circumstance, I'm sure...
"Nibblin' on bacon Chewin' on cheese
Sam says to Suzie Honey, would you please...be my Mrs.
Suzie says, yes, with her kisses.
Now, he's ticklin' her fancy
Rubbin' her toes
Muzzle to muzzle
Now anything goes
as they wriggle Sue starts to giggle
And they whirled and they twirled
and they tango
Singin' and jinglin' a jangle
Floatin' like the heavens above
Looks like muskrat love."
7. Feelings- Morris Albert
I have no FEELINGS for this guys true FEELINGS in his song about FEELINGS.
Are you fucking kidding me??? FEEL THIS YOU WIMPY RETARD! (OOH...THAT was agressive...sorry, guess this song brings out my FEELINGS of agression.)
"Feelings, for all my life I'll feel it.
I wish I've never met you, girl;
You'll never come again. (I'm sure she never did, that's why she left your weinie ass)
Feelings, wo-o-o feelings,
Wo-o-o, feel you again in my arms.
Feelings, feelings Like I've never lost you
And feelings like I've never Have you again in my heart."
8. You Light Up My Life- Debby Boone
Ah...another jewel of the soft 70's. An ode to christianity and chastity and fluff. Many teenaged girls were swooning along on the dance floor at prom 76', and then going out into the parking lot to smoke a doob, drop a hit, and lose their virginity in the back of the Chevy Van with the Wizard on the side afterward. Yep Deb, God was "lighting up" too- right before he created the Duckbill Playtpus. Bad, bad song...
"So many nights I sit by my window
Waiting for someone to sing me his song
So many dreams I kept deep inside me
Alone in the dark
but now You've come along
You light up my life
You give me hope
To carry on
You light up my days
and fill my nights
with song,"
9. My Humps- Fergie
Just so the 60's and 70's doesn't feel picked on, yes I have included a few contemporary songs in the mix as well. This is one of them. Ok...I like The Black Eyed Peas, they pretty much have good beats and substance....which is rare in hip hop. BUT, Fergie on her own...not so much. This song says: hey boys I have an ass and boobs, look at them! Come on Look, Look! Come on...could she be more full of herself? You see...Fergie-Ferg is a total Monet. What is a Monet you ask? Oh come on...haven't any of you people seen the Masterpiece Theatre version of the movie "Clueless"? Ok for those of you who haven't, a Monet is: A sweet babe from far away, but when you get up close it's a big old mess...just like the Monet paintings. Get it? Funny, huh?
So Fergie is a Monet who goes on and on about her "assets" and gives us an absolutely crap song that has all the 11 year old girls dressing like The Bratz and telling all the 11 year old boys to stay off their "humps." (Insert eye rolling here.) OOH...Easy Ferg...I don't want no drama!
"They say I’m really sexy, The boys they wanna sex me.
They always standing next to me, Always dancing next to me,
Tryin’ a feel my hump, hump.
Lookin’ at my lump, lump.
U can look but you can’t touch it,
If u touch it I’ma start some drama,
You don’t want no drama,
No, no drama, no, no, no, no drama
So don’t pull on my hand boy,
You ain’t my man, boy,
I’m just tryn’a dance boy,
And move my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.
My lovely lady lumps
In the back and in the front.
My lovin’ got u, She’s got me spendin’.
Spendin’ all your money on me and spending time on me."
10. Achy Breaky Heart- Billy Ray Cyrus
Hey everybody...I'm Mullet guy Cyrus, an' I gots me all the WT Hotties jivin on my cool new song. What? It's 2008? Everybody is laughing at me? Ok...Ok...I'll cut the mullet, but I still get to wear the nut huggers and sleeveless shirts, right? NO? What do you mean no? Ok, well I have this pretty self-centered daughter who can kinda sing with lots of vocal effects and reverb just like her ol dad...maybe the Disney Channel can do something for us? Maybe...just maybe.
Ladies and gentlemen...Hannah Montana! (Roar of sold out arena)
And Billy the Redneck is laughing all the way to the bank...THE END.
That's ok...the songs still blows goats.
"You can tell the world you never was my girl
You can burn my clothes when I'm gone
Or you can tell your friends just what a fool I've been
And laugh and joke about me on the phone
You can tell my arms to go back to the farm
You can tell my feet to hit the floor
Or you can tell my lips to tell my fingertips
They won't be reaching out for you no more
But don't tell my heart, my achy breaky heart
I just don't think he'd understand
And if you tell my heart, my achy breaky heart
He might blow up and kill this man."
11. Unfaithful- Rihanna
Ok...I feel kinda bad about putting this song on here because I truly do LOVE Rihanna. And I think she is smokin hot as well, but this song is just horrible. It tells a story of a girl who is blatantly cheating on her boyfriend, and wants the world to feel sorry for her. HER? Her heart is just breaking because she has a great guy who loves her and she can't be true to him. I have one word for you here honey: WHORE. Here's an idea...you feel bad about cheating on your man...STOP DOING IT! Just a little tip from captain obvious.
Sorry, Rihanna...I like everything else you've done, just please don't write another disaster like this one again, or I'll be forced to give my hillbilly douchebag ex boyfriend your phone number.
I swear...I'll do it.
"And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful,
And it kills him inside,
To know that I am happy, With some other guy.
I can see him dying.
I don't wanna do this anymore,
I don't wanna be the reason why,
Everytime I walk out the door, I see him die a little more inside.
I don't wanna hurt him anymore,
I don't wanna take away his life.
I don't wanna be... A murderer."
12. I'm In Love With A Stripper- T'Pain
Good for you...now get a life and quit smoking blunts- ya sweaty-money holdin' weirdo.
"She poppin
she rollin she rollin
She climbin that pole
and Im in love with a stripper
She trippin she playin she playin
Im not goin nowhere girl im stayin
Im in love with a stripper"
13. Shannon- Henry Gross
And now a return to another priceless "nugget" from the 70's.
High pitched, wailing, cat screeching horriblly written song.
This guy apparently had something go wrong with the circumcision at a child. That or he decided after "Shannon" drifted out to sea, he would become a Eunoch (sp?) unic? Oh well... you get the jist.
"I'm sure he'd tell her
Shannon is gone
I hope she's drifting out to sea
She always loved to swim away
Maybe she'll find an island
With a shady tree
Just like the one in our backyard
Mama tried hard to pretend
things would get better again
Somehow she's keeping
It all inside her
But finally the tears fill our eyes
And I know that somewhere tonight
he knows how much we really miss her/"
14. Me So Horny- 2 Live Crew
Ok...I admit that I danced along with everyone else at Stage 2 when this song came out. But, for clarification...I'm not proud of it. The 2 Live Crew are just nasty...quoting Cleveland from The Family Guy. They apparently need to enter counseling for their really bad case of sexual addiction. And apparently they are so proud of the fact that they love sex they felt the need to write a really degrading and filthy song about it as well. I mean, hey...I'm all for letting your freak flag fly, but these guys need some tips on being cool and sexy and not so much weird and sleazy. The biggest argument for record stickering I have ever seen....seriously.
"Girls always ask me why I fuck so much
I say whats wrong, baby doll, with a quick nut?
cause you're the one, and you shouldn't be mad
I won't tell your mama if you don't tell your dad
I know he'll be disgusted when he sees your pussy busted
Wont your mama be so mad if she knew I got that ass?
Im a freak in heat, a dog without warning
My appetite is sex, cause me so horny."
15. No One- Alicia Keys
I'm sure I am going to get some comments about this song being on my list. I know it's outrageously popular right now, I know Alicia Keys is incredibly talented and beautiful to boot. BUT...ok there's that big butt again. This song, while well written, and wonderfully composed sounds horrible. Alicia's vocals on this song are like a warbling warped 45 record playing backward. Seriously...her vocals on this song are like the worst thing I have ever heard. My ears bleed profusely. And what's worse...The stations play it on heavy rotation every single day, which in laymans terms means: They are playing it out...big time. My suggestion to everyone who likes the song: Buy the CD, advance the CD to track #5 and listen to "Like you'll never see me again." Now that song is awesome! And if I had heard it before I did my top 25 best love songs, it would have most definitely made the list. Sorry Alicia...just don't sing like that...Ever. Again. OR I will start calling you Beyonce. OH SNAP!
"No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you
You you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you."
16. Rico Suave- Gerardo
Ugh...can you say greasy? This song had a pretty good latin beat to it, but the lyrics? And better yet...the guy, who in my humble opinion wasn't too bad looking, minus the nut huggers and the long jeri curl hair under the bandana. They should have changed the lyrics to rico slimy. Apparently he eats his women like sushi, so I'm guessing that he took lessons from Mystery and Neil Strauss. Seriously bad bomb from the 80's.
"I don't drink or smoke ain't into dope
Won't try no coke, ask me how I do it,
I cope
My only addiction has to do with the female species
I eat 'em raw like sushi."
17. I'm Too Sexy- Right Said Fred
I know the original meaning was to make fun of vanity. But the end result, judging by the video was just plain cheezy. There's enough muscle rippling and netted T-shirts to effectively protect the entire continent of Asia from Malaria. And the guys voice is almost like he is trying way way way too hard to be what the song implies...too sexy. Again, the end result was just a bunch of gay guys posing and looking and sounding ridiculous. Not sexy at all guys, really. I mean this song was SCREAMING for a Weird Al remix...where are you when I need you Al, seriously!
"Cos Im a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk yeah on the catwalk
yeah I shake my little touche on the catwalk
Im too sexy for my cat
too sexy for my cat
Poor pussy poor pussy cat
Im too sexy for my love
too sexy for my love
Loves going to leave me
And Im too sexy for this song."
18. Walk Like An Egyptian- The Bangles
As a follow up to their smash hit Manic Monday written by the Purple God himself, this was all they could apparently come up with. I'm all for "fun" songs that you can dance to and stuff, but this song has absolutely no meaning whatsoever. What if I don't want to walk like an Egyptian? What if I choose to walk like a Hungarian, huh? huh? Seriously though...this song just sucks, and made girl groups look fluffy and tired. As if girl rock bands didn't get enough heat back in the yuppie 80's already.
"Foreign types with the hookah pipes say
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh
Walk like an egyptian
The blonde waitresses take their trays
They spin around and they cross the floor
They've got the moves (oh whey oh)
You drop your drink then they bring you more
All the school kids so sick of books
They like the punk and the metal band
When the buzzer rings (oh whey oh)
They're walking like an egyptian
All the kids in the marketplace say
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh
Walk like an egyptian."
19. Send In The Clowns- Judy Collins
Ok...(deep breath) This song is supposed to be about love...I think? Or maybe the loss of your career? I'm not totally sure. What I do know it that the lyrics make no sense and it's completely depressing to listen to. At least Whiskey Lullaby had some substance to it...and you KNEW what the hell it was talking about. This song has all the flair of a suicide note, and doubles up on the ridiculous-ness by being as clear as a love note in sanskrit. What's ironic is that I could decode and possibly decipher a piece of sanskrit with some help, this song...I'm not so sure. And what the Flip and fold do clowns have to do with anything????? Ugh...I'm so frustrated!
"Isn't it rich?
Are we a pair?
Me here at last on the ground,
You in mid-air..
Where are the clowns?
Isn't it bliss?
Don't you approve?
One who keeps tearing around,
One who can't move...
Where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns. "
20. 96 Tears- ? and The Mysterians
This guy actually changed his name to question mark...legally. So that should tell you how effed up this song is even before you get to listening. Another droning keyboard-laden nugget from the 60's right there with Iron Butterfly. But the difference between the two is this: at least Iron Butterfly succeeded in giving their song a psychedelic sound, annoying as it was. This song came out to sound more like carny circus music. Nothing Psychedelic about that. Well...maybe Psycho, but not psychedelic. And I'm still a little confused about the significance of 96 tears...why not 100? I heard from VH1 that the original title was 69 Tears, but the record execs asked them to change it because it was just too "dirty" for the conservative 60's. But there again? Why 69 other than its sexual connotation? Just a bizarre song, with a weirdo vocalist who believes he is from another planet.
"Too many teardrops for one heart to be cryin'
Too many teardrops for one heart
To carry on
You're gonna cry ninety-six tears
You're gonna cry ninety-six tears
You're gonna cry cry, cry, cry, now
You're gonna cry cry, cry, cry
Ninety-six tears c'mon and lemme hear you cry, now
Ninety-six tears (whoo!) I wanna hear you cry
Night and day, yeah, all night long
Uh-ninety-six tears cry cry cry
C'mon baby, let me hear you cry now, all night long
Uh-ninety-six tears! Yeah! C'mon now
Uh-ninety-six tears!"
21. The Macarena- Los Del Rios
Not only was this the most retarted dance sensation our world has ever experienced, the female "speaker" on the song is a total nasty chickenhead who proclaims that all the guys want her. I think she and Fergie-Ferg need to get together and go bowling or something.
"When I dance they call me macarena
and the boys they say that I´m buena they all want me,
they can´t have me
So they all come and dance beside me
move with me jam with me
and if your good I take you home with me
A la tuhuelpa legria macarena
Que tuhuelce paralla legria cosabuena
A la tuhuelpa legria macarena
Eeeh, macarena A-Hai"
22. Wannabe- The Spice Girls
I'll tell you what I really really want...you to shut up and quit believeing you did the right thing by recording this piece of crap song. No go home and get with your friends on that Scary Spice. Ugh.
"I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,
So tell me what you want, what you really really want,
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha.
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends (gotta get with my friends)
Make it last forever friendship never ends,
If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give,
Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is."
23. Aqualung- Jethro Tull.
Flutes don't belong in rock and roll...period. Just don't get me started. Grammy winning artists of hard rock? You have GOT to be kidding me. And the tone of the first chorus all about a sick child molester? That's just what I wanna be listening to, right? And the downbeat lyrics are just moldy and stale feeling, like being a dark cellar. This song just creeps me out...as if the lighty played flute could cheer it up...NOT.
"Sitting on a park bench --eyeing little girls with bad intent.
Snot running down his nose --greasy fingers smearing shabby clothes.
Drying in the cold sun --Watching as the frilly panties run.
Feeling like a dead duck --spitting out pieces of his broken luck."
24. Freebird- Lynyrd Skynyrd
If I hear one more hillbilly with the gun rack and flag of dixie yell this song out at a concert...I swear I will punch him directly in his no tooth having cocksucker.
The lyrics are actually ok here...kind of sad and sweet. Reminiscing about what you leave behind is always ok. But the following of this song is what killed it for me. I mean country-type people act like this is their own personal anthem. I'm surprised that Jerry Springer hasn't adopted it as his shows theme song for chrissakes.
I just cannot stand listening to this song. It comes to me in nightmares. Seriously.
"If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be travelling on, now,
cause theres too many places Ive got to see.
But, if I stayed here with you, girl,
Things just couldnt be the same.
cause Im as free as a bird now,
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I cant change."
25. Stairway To Heaven- Led Zeppelin
I feel almost like Benedict Arnold putting this song on the list, and that's precisely why I saved it for last...GUILT. I am the biggest Led Zeppelin Fan on the planet. My son is named after Logan Plant (Robert's youngest son) and his middle name is Robert. On purpose. So, naming this song as one of the worst songs stings just a little. First of all...background. Stairway To Heaven was released as a B side originally. It was written when Jonesy and Robert were stoned and drunk out of their gourds, and KNEW it made no sense. But as a total hoot they decided to release it as a joke. Who knew it would become the monster of all radio play it has become. Zep (or the surviving members therein) all hate to play it in concert to this day. I guess my reason for loathing it so much is because it has seen so much airplay. There are truly much better songs by Zeppelin out there that get virtually no airplay at all. I can name 10 of them right off the top of my head. So...in true rebellious fashion, and because I am no hypocrite...I decided to add this song a bit begrudgingly. If you like Zeppelin, or even if you don't like Zeppelin based on what you have heard on the radio, please give them another try...a few songs you might wanna check out are: Tangerine, Traveling Riverside Blues, Bron Y Yaur Stomp, Custard Pie, The Rover, and my all time favorite song: Ten Years Gone. Upon listening, you will find that these songs do make sense and are all musically and lyrically tight. Good stuff. I implore you to NOT base your Led Zeppelin experience on Stairway To Heaven alone!
"If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now,
It's just a spring clean for the May queen.
Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on.
And it makes me wonder.
Your head is humming and it won't go,
in case you don't know,
The piper's calling you to join him,
Dear lady, can you hear the wind blow, and did you know
Your stairway lies on the whispering wind.
And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul.
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last.
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll."
So...there you have it. My exploration of all songs crap. If you agree...YAY. If you don't, well...to each his own I suppose.
And that also concludes my song lists for now. In the future I may do a list of all time best 80's, and possibly all time best country songs. Maybe...time permitting, these suckers take hours to put together. Until then...form your own opinions I guess, and don't be afraid to debate or comment on anything I have put here.
Have a fabulous weekend, ya'll.
Last thought-
"Listen Edith, I know you're singing, you know you're singing, but the neighbors may think I'm torturing you..."
- Archie Bunker
Torturing myself-
Jaded
I am on spring break from school this week, and figured that I should tackle this monster while I still have time to do so, because after the break...I'm on the books steady til May.
Now...
As we have already hit the 25 best love songs, and then the 25 funniest songs, now...the crappiest or the 25 absolute worst songs of all time. Now...if I happen to offend anyone with my choices, please keep in mind, this is only one persons opinion, and in my defense, I think that many, many people would agree with me on most of these anyway.
So...with no further ado, The 25 WORST songs ever recorded in the history of man.
1. In-A-Gada-Da-Vida- Iron Butterfly
Apparently the singer for Iron Butterfly was so wasted when recording this psychedelic trip-worthy song he couldn't even pronounce the title to it correctly and it stuck. The correct lyric for the title is: "In the garden of Eden, baby..." Anyway, besides the title the whole song is just kinda stupid, and the music is terribly composed and awash with sloppy keyboard droning. Trite, boring and meaningless lyrics and a talentless vocal, leads the listener to a healthy dose of Tylenol. I could go without hearing this song for the rest of my life and be a happy, happy girl.
"In a Gadda-Da-Vida, Baby don't you know that I'll always love you.
In a Gadda-Da-Vida, Honey
You know I'll always be true
In a Gadda-Da-Vida, Baby don't You know that I'll always love you.
In a Gadda-Da-Vida, Honey
You know I'll always be true."
2. Everybody Hurts- R.E.M.
Ughhhh...wimpy, annoying, flaccid vocals from Michael Stipe. Depressing and OBVIOUS lyrics. Apparently we are all too dumb to understand that we all hurt?
Comparative to elevator music, or while drooling in the dentist's chair...not a good song from a fairly genius lyric writer. Dissapointing to say the least.
"Well, everybody hurts sometimes,Everybody cries.
and everybody hurts sometimes.
And everybody hurts sometimes.
so, hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on. hold on, hold on. hold on, hold on. "
3. Whiskey Lullaby-Allison Kraus/Brad Paisley
Ok, I love Allsion Kraus normally and Brad Paisley's ode to alchohol that was released back in 2006 is a total country favorite. BUT...and here's my BIG butt for all to see... This song is absolutely the most depressing one ever written. You know the old cliche's about sad country and western songs...my trailer burnt down, my dog died, my mom is hooked on crack...etc. Tear in my beer typified stuff right? Ok...this song epitomizes all of those cliches all rolled together. Seriously, this song gives country music a bad stereotype and name. The irony? HAHA...I believe this song won a grammy 2 years ago, and a CMA as well. It was also critically acclaimed. Yeah...I need to be MORE depressed about my life, right? Apparently, just like the Oscars you have to be weepy and serious to be believed as talented. Ughhh.
Anyway, enough ranting...here are the lyrics. Or better yet, look it up at Youtube and hear for yourself. If you don't have a gun in your mouth after hearing it, I'll buy you some crack and a new dog.
"She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette
She broke his heart he spent his whole life tryin' to forget
We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time
But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind
Until the night
[1st Chorus]
He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said I'll love her till I die
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby
The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself
For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath
She finally drank her pain away a little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind
Until the night
[2nd Chorus]
She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away his memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees
We found her with her face down in the pillow
Clinging to his picture for dear life
We laid her next to him beneath the willow
While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby.
4. She's Like The Wind- Patrick Swayze
Bad lyrics, bad vocals, bad musical composition. Bad song...nuff said. And, who told the guy who beat beat up bad boys in bars he could effin sing anyway? Nobody puts baby in a corner, huh? How about nobody puts a B-side star on an A side record! The saddest part of the whole thing is that The Dirty Dancing Soundtrack is a really good one, minus this caterwalling thing they called a song. And what exactly is a "young-old" man???? Ughhh...who knows. TOTAL TRIPE!
"I look in the mirror
And all I see
Is a young old man
With only a dream
Am I just fooling myself
That she'll stop the pain?
Living without her I'd go insane."
5. I've Never Been To Me- Charlene
Ok...apparently this broad is schizo. That; or she is having a severe identity crisis, and all her friends are tired of listeneing to her drone on about her sad life, so she then chose to talk to herself, and THEN she started screwing her pastor? Jibberish is the only way to describe this song. I have one one word for her: PROZAC.
And maybe also: Step away from the sheet music slowly...we have snipers who are instructed to fire at will...please step away from the sheet music. Seriously.
"Hey lady, you lady, cursing at your life
You're a discontented mother and a regimented wife
I've no doubt you dream about the things you'll never do
But, I wish someone had talked to me
Like I wanna talk to you.....
Oh, I've been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run
I took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun
But I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free
I've been to paradise but I've never been to me."
6. Muskrat Love- The Captain and Tenielle
I should have put this song on my funniest song list actually because it's so ridiculous it's laughable. I don't even know where to begin to even make fun of this song. The lyrics should just speak for themselves. I can't help but wonder if the producer was really high when they were recording it and thought: "What the hell...pass the cheetos, dude." It's kinda like when God created the Duckbill Platypus...you KNOW he had to be ripped when he did that, right? Same circumstance, I'm sure...
"Nibblin' on bacon Chewin' on cheese
Sam says to Suzie Honey, would you please...be my Mrs.
Suzie says, yes, with her kisses.
Now, he's ticklin' her fancy
Rubbin' her toes
Muzzle to muzzle
Now anything goes
as they wriggle Sue starts to giggle
And they whirled and they twirled
and they tango
Singin' and jinglin' a jangle
Floatin' like the heavens above
Looks like muskrat love."
7. Feelings- Morris Albert
I have no FEELINGS for this guys true FEELINGS in his song about FEELINGS.
Are you fucking kidding me??? FEEL THIS YOU WIMPY RETARD! (OOH...THAT was agressive...sorry, guess this song brings out my FEELINGS of agression.)
"Feelings, for all my life I'll feel it.
I wish I've never met you, girl;
You'll never come again. (I'm sure she never did, that's why she left your weinie ass)
Feelings, wo-o-o feelings,
Wo-o-o, feel you again in my arms.
Feelings, feelings Like I've never lost you
And feelings like I've never Have you again in my heart."
8. You Light Up My Life- Debby Boone
Ah...another jewel of the soft 70's. An ode to christianity and chastity and fluff. Many teenaged girls were swooning along on the dance floor at prom 76', and then going out into the parking lot to smoke a doob, drop a hit, and lose their virginity in the back of the Chevy Van with the Wizard on the side afterward. Yep Deb, God was "lighting up" too- right before he created the Duckbill Playtpus. Bad, bad song...
"So many nights I sit by my window
Waiting for someone to sing me his song
So many dreams I kept deep inside me
Alone in the dark
but now You've come along
You light up my life
You give me hope
To carry on
You light up my days
and fill my nights
with song,"
9. My Humps- Fergie
Just so the 60's and 70's doesn't feel picked on, yes I have included a few contemporary songs in the mix as well. This is one of them. Ok...I like The Black Eyed Peas, they pretty much have good beats and substance....which is rare in hip hop. BUT, Fergie on her own...not so much. This song says: hey boys I have an ass and boobs, look at them! Come on Look, Look! Come on...could she be more full of herself? You see...Fergie-Ferg is a total Monet. What is a Monet you ask? Oh come on...haven't any of you people seen the Masterpiece Theatre version of the movie "Clueless"? Ok for those of you who haven't, a Monet is: A sweet babe from far away, but when you get up close it's a big old mess...just like the Monet paintings. Get it? Funny, huh?
So Fergie is a Monet who goes on and on about her "assets" and gives us an absolutely crap song that has all the 11 year old girls dressing like The Bratz and telling all the 11 year old boys to stay off their "humps." (Insert eye rolling here.) OOH...Easy Ferg...I don't want no drama!
"They say I’m really sexy, The boys they wanna sex me.
They always standing next to me, Always dancing next to me,
Tryin’ a feel my hump, hump.
Lookin’ at my lump, lump.
U can look but you can’t touch it,
If u touch it I’ma start some drama,
You don’t want no drama,
No, no drama, no, no, no, no drama
So don’t pull on my hand boy,
You ain’t my man, boy,
I’m just tryn’a dance boy,
And move my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.
My lovely lady lumps
In the back and in the front.
My lovin’ got u, She’s got me spendin’.
Spendin’ all your money on me and spending time on me."
10. Achy Breaky Heart- Billy Ray Cyrus
Hey everybody...I'm Mullet guy Cyrus, an' I gots me all the WT Hotties jivin on my cool new song. What? It's 2008? Everybody is laughing at me? Ok...Ok...I'll cut the mullet, but I still get to wear the nut huggers and sleeveless shirts, right? NO? What do you mean no? Ok, well I have this pretty self-centered daughter who can kinda sing with lots of vocal effects and reverb just like her ol dad...maybe the Disney Channel can do something for us? Maybe...just maybe.
Ladies and gentlemen...Hannah Montana! (Roar of sold out arena)
And Billy the Redneck is laughing all the way to the bank...THE END.
That's ok...the songs still blows goats.
"You can tell the world you never was my girl
You can burn my clothes when I'm gone
Or you can tell your friends just what a fool I've been
And laugh and joke about me on the phone
You can tell my arms to go back to the farm
You can tell my feet to hit the floor
Or you can tell my lips to tell my fingertips
They won't be reaching out for you no more
But don't tell my heart, my achy breaky heart
I just don't think he'd understand
And if you tell my heart, my achy breaky heart
He might blow up and kill this man."
11. Unfaithful- Rihanna
Ok...I feel kinda bad about putting this song on here because I truly do LOVE Rihanna. And I think she is smokin hot as well, but this song is just horrible. It tells a story of a girl who is blatantly cheating on her boyfriend, and wants the world to feel sorry for her. HER? Her heart is just breaking because she has a great guy who loves her and she can't be true to him. I have one word for you here honey: WHORE. Here's an idea...you feel bad about cheating on your man...STOP DOING IT! Just a little tip from captain obvious.
Sorry, Rihanna...I like everything else you've done, just please don't write another disaster like this one again, or I'll be forced to give my hillbilly douchebag ex boyfriend your phone number.
I swear...I'll do it.
"And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful,
And it kills him inside,
To know that I am happy, With some other guy.
I can see him dying.
I don't wanna do this anymore,
I don't wanna be the reason why,
Everytime I walk out the door, I see him die a little more inside.
I don't wanna hurt him anymore,
I don't wanna take away his life.
I don't wanna be... A murderer."
12. I'm In Love With A Stripper- T'Pain
Good for you...now get a life and quit smoking blunts- ya sweaty-money holdin' weirdo.
"She poppin
she rollin she rollin
She climbin that pole
and Im in love with a stripper
She trippin she playin she playin
Im not goin nowhere girl im stayin
Im in love with a stripper"
13. Shannon- Henry Gross
And now a return to another priceless "nugget" from the 70's.
High pitched, wailing, cat screeching horriblly written song.
This guy apparently had something go wrong with the circumcision at a child. That or he decided after "Shannon" drifted out to sea, he would become a Eunoch (sp?) unic? Oh well... you get the jist.
"I'm sure he'd tell her
Shannon is gone
I hope she's drifting out to sea
She always loved to swim away
Maybe she'll find an island
With a shady tree
Just like the one in our backyard
Mama tried hard to pretend
things would get better again
Somehow she's keeping
It all inside her
But finally the tears fill our eyes
And I know that somewhere tonight
he knows how much we really miss her/"
14. Me So Horny- 2 Live Crew
Ok...I admit that I danced along with everyone else at Stage 2 when this song came out. But, for clarification...I'm not proud of it. The 2 Live Crew are just nasty...quoting Cleveland from The Family Guy. They apparently need to enter counseling for their really bad case of sexual addiction. And apparently they are so proud of the fact that they love sex they felt the need to write a really degrading and filthy song about it as well. I mean, hey...I'm all for letting your freak flag fly, but these guys need some tips on being cool and sexy and not so much weird and sleazy. The biggest argument for record stickering I have ever seen....seriously.
"Girls always ask me why I fuck so much
I say whats wrong, baby doll, with a quick nut?
cause you're the one, and you shouldn't be mad
I won't tell your mama if you don't tell your dad
I know he'll be disgusted when he sees your pussy busted
Wont your mama be so mad if she knew I got that ass?
Im a freak in heat, a dog without warning
My appetite is sex, cause me so horny."
15. No One- Alicia Keys
I'm sure I am going to get some comments about this song being on my list. I know it's outrageously popular right now, I know Alicia Keys is incredibly talented and beautiful to boot. BUT...ok there's that big butt again. This song, while well written, and wonderfully composed sounds horrible. Alicia's vocals on this song are like a warbling warped 45 record playing backward. Seriously...her vocals on this song are like the worst thing I have ever heard. My ears bleed profusely. And what's worse...The stations play it on heavy rotation every single day, which in laymans terms means: They are playing it out...big time. My suggestion to everyone who likes the song: Buy the CD, advance the CD to track #5 and listen to "Like you'll never see me again." Now that song is awesome! And if I had heard it before I did my top 25 best love songs, it would have most definitely made the list. Sorry Alicia...just don't sing like that...Ever. Again. OR I will start calling you Beyonce. OH SNAP!
"No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you
You you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you."
16. Rico Suave- Gerardo
Ugh...can you say greasy? This song had a pretty good latin beat to it, but the lyrics? And better yet...the guy, who in my humble opinion wasn't too bad looking, minus the nut huggers and the long jeri curl hair under the bandana. They should have changed the lyrics to rico slimy. Apparently he eats his women like sushi, so I'm guessing that he took lessons from Mystery and Neil Strauss. Seriously bad bomb from the 80's.
"I don't drink or smoke ain't into dope
Won't try no coke, ask me how I do it,
I cope
My only addiction has to do with the female species
I eat 'em raw like sushi."
17. I'm Too Sexy- Right Said Fred
I know the original meaning was to make fun of vanity. But the end result, judging by the video was just plain cheezy. There's enough muscle rippling and netted T-shirts to effectively protect the entire continent of Asia from Malaria. And the guys voice is almost like he is trying way way way too hard to be what the song implies...too sexy. Again, the end result was just a bunch of gay guys posing and looking and sounding ridiculous. Not sexy at all guys, really. I mean this song was SCREAMING for a Weird Al remix...where are you when I need you Al, seriously!
"Cos Im a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk yeah on the catwalk
yeah I shake my little touche on the catwalk
Im too sexy for my cat
too sexy for my cat
Poor pussy poor pussy cat
Im too sexy for my love
too sexy for my love
Loves going to leave me
And Im too sexy for this song."
18. Walk Like An Egyptian- The Bangles
As a follow up to their smash hit Manic Monday written by the Purple God himself, this was all they could apparently come up with. I'm all for "fun" songs that you can dance to and stuff, but this song has absolutely no meaning whatsoever. What if I don't want to walk like an Egyptian? What if I choose to walk like a Hungarian, huh? huh? Seriously though...this song just sucks, and made girl groups look fluffy and tired. As if girl rock bands didn't get enough heat back in the yuppie 80's already.
"Foreign types with the hookah pipes say
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh
Walk like an egyptian
The blonde waitresses take their trays
They spin around and they cross the floor
They've got the moves (oh whey oh)
You drop your drink then they bring you more
All the school kids so sick of books
They like the punk and the metal band
When the buzzer rings (oh whey oh)
They're walking like an egyptian
All the kids in the marketplace say
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh
Walk like an egyptian."
19. Send In The Clowns- Judy Collins
Ok...(deep breath) This song is supposed to be about love...I think? Or maybe the loss of your career? I'm not totally sure. What I do know it that the lyrics make no sense and it's completely depressing to listen to. At least Whiskey Lullaby had some substance to it...and you KNEW what the hell it was talking about. This song has all the flair of a suicide note, and doubles up on the ridiculous-ness by being as clear as a love note in sanskrit. What's ironic is that I could decode and possibly decipher a piece of sanskrit with some help, this song...I'm not so sure. And what the Flip and fold do clowns have to do with anything????? Ugh...I'm so frustrated!
"Isn't it rich?
Are we a pair?
Me here at last on the ground,
You in mid-air..
Where are the clowns?
Isn't it bliss?
Don't you approve?
One who keeps tearing around,
One who can't move...
Where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns. "
20. 96 Tears- ? and The Mysterians
This guy actually changed his name to question mark...legally. So that should tell you how effed up this song is even before you get to listening. Another droning keyboard-laden nugget from the 60's right there with Iron Butterfly. But the difference between the two is this: at least Iron Butterfly succeeded in giving their song a psychedelic sound, annoying as it was. This song came out to sound more like carny circus music. Nothing Psychedelic about that. Well...maybe Psycho, but not psychedelic. And I'm still a little confused about the significance of 96 tears...why not 100? I heard from VH1 that the original title was 69 Tears, but the record execs asked them to change it because it was just too "dirty" for the conservative 60's. But there again? Why 69 other than its sexual connotation? Just a bizarre song, with a weirdo vocalist who believes he is from another planet.
"Too many teardrops for one heart to be cryin'
Too many teardrops for one heart
To carry on
You're gonna cry ninety-six tears
You're gonna cry ninety-six tears
You're gonna cry cry, cry, cry, now
You're gonna cry cry, cry, cry
Ninety-six tears c'mon and lemme hear you cry, now
Ninety-six tears (whoo!) I wanna hear you cry
Night and day, yeah, all night long
Uh-ninety-six tears cry cry cry
C'mon baby, let me hear you cry now, all night long
Uh-ninety-six tears! Yeah! C'mon now
Uh-ninety-six tears!"
21. The Macarena- Los Del Rios
Not only was this the most retarted dance sensation our world has ever experienced, the female "speaker" on the song is a total nasty chickenhead who proclaims that all the guys want her. I think she and Fergie-Ferg need to get together and go bowling or something.
"When I dance they call me macarena
and the boys they say that I´m buena they all want me,
they can´t have me
So they all come and dance beside me
move with me jam with me
and if your good I take you home with me
A la tuhuelpa legria macarena
Que tuhuelce paralla legria cosabuena
A la tuhuelpa legria macarena
Eeeh, macarena A-Hai"
22. Wannabe- The Spice Girls
I'll tell you what I really really want...you to shut up and quit believeing you did the right thing by recording this piece of crap song. No go home and get with your friends on that Scary Spice. Ugh.
"I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,
So tell me what you want, what you really really want,
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha.
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends (gotta get with my friends)
Make it last forever friendship never ends,
If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give,
Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is."
23. Aqualung- Jethro Tull.
Flutes don't belong in rock and roll...period. Just don't get me started. Grammy winning artists of hard rock? You have GOT to be kidding me. And the tone of the first chorus all about a sick child molester? That's just what I wanna be listening to, right? And the downbeat lyrics are just moldy and stale feeling, like being a dark cellar. This song just creeps me out...as if the lighty played flute could cheer it up...NOT.
"Sitting on a park bench --eyeing little girls with bad intent.
Snot running down his nose --greasy fingers smearing shabby clothes.
Drying in the cold sun --Watching as the frilly panties run.
Feeling like a dead duck --spitting out pieces of his broken luck."
24. Freebird- Lynyrd Skynyrd
If I hear one more hillbilly with the gun rack and flag of dixie yell this song out at a concert...I swear I will punch him directly in his no tooth having cocksucker.
The lyrics are actually ok here...kind of sad and sweet. Reminiscing about what you leave behind is always ok. But the following of this song is what killed it for me. I mean country-type people act like this is their own personal anthem. I'm surprised that Jerry Springer hasn't adopted it as his shows theme song for chrissakes.
I just cannot stand listening to this song. It comes to me in nightmares. Seriously.
"If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be travelling on, now,
cause theres too many places Ive got to see.
But, if I stayed here with you, girl,
Things just couldnt be the same.
cause Im as free as a bird now,
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I cant change."
25. Stairway To Heaven- Led Zeppelin
I feel almost like Benedict Arnold putting this song on the list, and that's precisely why I saved it for last...GUILT. I am the biggest Led Zeppelin Fan on the planet. My son is named after Logan Plant (Robert's youngest son) and his middle name is Robert. On purpose. So, naming this song as one of the worst songs stings just a little. First of all...background. Stairway To Heaven was released as a B side originally. It was written when Jonesy and Robert were stoned and drunk out of their gourds, and KNEW it made no sense. But as a total hoot they decided to release it as a joke. Who knew it would become the monster of all radio play it has become. Zep (or the surviving members therein) all hate to play it in concert to this day. I guess my reason for loathing it so much is because it has seen so much airplay. There are truly much better songs by Zeppelin out there that get virtually no airplay at all. I can name 10 of them right off the top of my head. So...in true rebellious fashion, and because I am no hypocrite...I decided to add this song a bit begrudgingly. If you like Zeppelin, or even if you don't like Zeppelin based on what you have heard on the radio, please give them another try...a few songs you might wanna check out are: Tangerine, Traveling Riverside Blues, Bron Y Yaur Stomp, Custard Pie, The Rover, and my all time favorite song: Ten Years Gone. Upon listening, you will find that these songs do make sense and are all musically and lyrically tight. Good stuff. I implore you to NOT base your Led Zeppelin experience on Stairway To Heaven alone!
"If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now,
It's just a spring clean for the May queen.
Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on.
And it makes me wonder.
Your head is humming and it won't go,
in case you don't know,
The piper's calling you to join him,
Dear lady, can you hear the wind blow, and did you know
Your stairway lies on the whispering wind.
And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul.
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last.
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll."
So...there you have it. My exploration of all songs crap. If you agree...YAY. If you don't, well...to each his own I suppose.
And that also concludes my song lists for now. In the future I may do a list of all time best 80's, and possibly all time best country songs. Maybe...time permitting, these suckers take hours to put together. Until then...form your own opinions I guess, and don't be afraid to debate or comment on anything I have put here.
Have a fabulous weekend, ya'll.
Last thought-
"Listen Edith, I know you're singing, you know you're singing, but the neighbors may think I'm torturing you..."
- Archie Bunker
Torturing myself-
Jaded
Comments
and Sue...you BOUGHT that cassette? WOW!
I was pretty young when it came out and my mom would have flipped her shit if she heard that coming out of my stereo. LOL
Nasty stuff!
HUGH, all!
:o)
NOTE: I was going through a divorce at the time and that was a favorite expression of the ex-hubby's.
My ex kinda liked it as well...coincidence? I think not...
ahem.
Yeah, you must've been the cool mom, cause mine would have had a freakin stroke! LOL
:o)
Yes, I'm Too Sexy sucks. But we'll give them credit for the band name, Right Said Fred.
Stairway to Heaven??? Hmm. I'd say, substitute just about ANY Madonna song, and you'd be in business.
80's version of Britney Spears back in the day...and like the 13 year olds now, I wanted to be just like her. (Madonna NOT Britney) UGHHH...I know, I know...
But the Stairway To Heaven thing...as big of a Zep fan as I am, I truly dislike that song, prolly always will.
BAD GIRL...BAD GIRL!
:o)
Thanks for the comment, K...
AND WHEN THE HELL CAN WE EXPECT A NEW POST FROM YOU??? I'm jonesin for some snark! LOL