Borderline.

I think I may finally have it figured out.

Seriously...don't laugh, or roll your eyes, or scoff. I am completely serious here.

And while this admission should feel freeing, or even give me a strange sense of relief...sadly all it has truly done in my thoughts is make me sad.

I believe that I have Borderline Personality Disorder.

These are the symptoms...of which I have had almost all:

1.) Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

(I have spoken even in this blog about my paralyzing fear of abandonment)

2.)A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

(Um...failed relationships...all thousand of them)

3.) Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

(I have never felt as if I fit in anywhere...I have always felt to be a stranger in my own life.)

4.)Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving).

(I had anorexia/bulimia in high school so horrlibly that I was hospitalized for 6 months and had to repeat my entire sophomore year. I was also VERY sexually promiscuous from the time I was 19 until I was about 29.)

5.) An incidence of suicidal behavior, gestures, threats, or self-mutilating behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars, or picking at oneself.

(I took my mom's coumadin when I was 19 to garner attention from my first love...who had dumped me ruthlessly, I was hopsitalized for a month for this stunt.)

6.) Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

(I have always as long as I can remember let anxiety rule my life...I am always a mess and always worried, I do not sleep, I bite my nails to bleeding, and cry every single day.)

7.)Chronic feelings of emptiness, worthlessness.

(I can't remember the last time I felt worthy of anything...including my own son.)

8.)Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

(I have literally broken every single finger on both of my hands and my right wrist in physical fights...I was always beating someone up in high school, and while I don't resort to that any more as an adult and a parent of an impressionable 7 year old...there are days when I would absolutely LOVE to knock the holy shit out of someone.)

9.)Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

(I am sometimes paranoid...although...this was the one symptom that I could not corborate)

So...sigh.

Perhaps this is what I should mention to a shrink (although I have stopped going because it was not doing a thing for me...hold on, I'll explain...She was only a "counselor" not a real psycho-therapist. She would simply type things into her computer and ask questions about my situation...(ie) employment, and breakup status. I would tell her, and that would be the end of the appointment. I didn't feel any better after the sessions...it was all just formality and nothing else. It wasn't helping me at all...so I quit going.)

I may or may not try to find another who takes the charity card...we shall see.

Until then...I guess my revelation will have to sit with me. Hopefully now that I believe I have a grip on what the fuck is really wrong with me I can work on trying to fix it.

Maybe...maybe not.

-Jaded