Butterflies.

As most of you may or may not know considering my "last thoughts" on this here blog, I am HUGE mega-fan of Sex and the City. I have seen every single episode at least 5 times or more, and I was proudly (not unlike the Star Wars cloak-wearing weirdos) first in line to see the movie. Although, I can also say that I did NOT sashay into the theatre carrying a pink cosmo in 4 inch Manolo Blahnik's, and a limited edition Dolce and Gabanna dress. The movie was up to my standards with the needed happy ending that all single 30-something women long for. I was not dissapointed at all. And while I try to leave my posts understandable and familiar in content to most readers, sadly, I am afraid that if you are not a follower or even vaguely familiar with SATC...you may not fully be able to comprehend, or digest this post.

So...guys...you have been warned.

I have figured something out...

Doug is MY Mr. Big.

Ok, well I kinda sorta HOPE that he is anyway.

I have fully decided head-on that I am pretty sure I will never find someone else who just suits me like him.

(please...just listen...don't lecture or roll your eyes)

I mean...we had the "breakup" and then the "friends with benefits" thing and now we have the barely talking just trying to remain friends thing (while he is supposedly seeing someone else) And well...I kinda am too.

UGH...don't ask really.

So we have both tried to move on, and see others, and go on, and find happiness elsewhere.

BUT.

I honestly with every bone in my body feel that we will find each other again in the near (or not-so-near) future.

Does it sound hippy dippy, and crystal power new agey to you?

Yup...it does to me too. But I cannot deny my inner voice on this one, nor my really dead on intuition. I'm not saying it's going to be tommorrow, or Monday, or even next Saturday when we attend my cousins wedding together (as friends only of course) (you can roll your eyes now...it's ok)

But sometime...I think...well, I kinda know that we will find our way back.

I know...even the two books I am reading on this very subject (ie) "It's a Breakup because it's broken." and "It's a Breakup NOT a Breakdown." say that I am currently in the first stage of grief: and not the river in Egypt; Denial. And hey...maybe I am, but I guess I gotta trust my gut on this one.

We really are best friends in every sense of the word, and thats a building block of a lasting relationship, from what I am told by each self help mantra, and each married friend I have.

I don't know.

So, he is seeing a friend of his family that he has known for awhile, and according to him...they are just "dating" HA. (sorry...the bitter is regurgitated involuntarily occasionally...my apologies)

And I have met her...and I do personally know her. Truth be told, she was always a very cool girl from what I saw, and as much as I hate to admit it, I do like her. But...it still makes me cringe and make catty comments like: "Awww...isn't that just fuckin cozy" occasionally. She's a pretty natural redhead to boot...which makes me seethe, of course.

The funny turnabout is this though: The guy I am seeing (his name is Jay) is also a natural redhead, AND his divorce attorney is Doug's ex wife. LOL

I swear...I couldn't make this Jerry Springer shit up.

So...doesn't this all just seem...karmically weird?

Perhaps I AM just holding on to some false sense of hope that this will all finalize itself into some grand happy ending...but I am most like Carrie Bradshaw: a neurotic wannabe writer with major commitment issues and a laundry list of guys who treated me badly or just dumped me for no good reason. Doug just keeps floating back in and out of my life like a lost balloon coasting on the breeze.

Just like Mr. Big.

Maybe I have to just have hope for once that I will have the same happy ending as Carrie...with my own Mr. Big (Doug)

His newest exploit...we'll call her "Natasha" for posterity's sake and in keeping with the theme of this post will hopefully just fade away as his buddy and he will make his revelation and figure out what I already have.

And before you ask...yes- Jay knows that I am still in love with Doug, and no we have not had sex yet, and no I am not ready to. He seems to think that I am fantastic and worth waiting for even though I have done and said pretty much everything I can to prove to him that I really am NOT fantastic at all. He's a good guy...and I haven't really decided what to do about that sitch right now. I am just not ready I guess.

Ok...this post has taken a weird turn, and I need to get back on track here...sorry...it's the ADD.

So...

I guess I will just have to play it like I see it for now, and hopefully this Carrie will get her way...for once.

I'm not holding my breath at all...just taking shallow ones to conserve for later.

Last thought-

"When it comes to relationships, maybe we're all in glass houses, and shouldn't throw stones. Because you can never really know. Some people are settling down, some are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less- than butterflies..."

-Carrie Bradshaw (SATC)

Not settling-

Jaded