In the past year I have learned enough about the world to have developed a fine set of personal rules by which I model my life after.
Here is the primary one: The whole concept of real or true or lifetime love who completes your infinite being is complete bullshit.
I don't mean love in general, I love my friends...I love my family...and the timeless music of Led Zeppelin, of course.
I am speaking more on the fairytale, Prince Charming, Julia Roberts, big beautiful smile and cascading red hair alike- standing on the balcony while she awaits Richard Gere moneybags to come and sweep her away, marriage- as- a- happy- ending, love- at- first sight- kinda thing. As far as I am concerned, that is a brand of miracle tonic mixed up by the wedding industry and E-Harmony for the entire purpose of sucking millions out of the wallets of other women out there like me.
Single.
Single and never married, at 37.
Truth be told, I really don't have many good role models to look to who have actually sustained a good relationship for any ammount of time. The people I know who are still married after a number of years are extremely unhappy, and desperately want out, or are cheating on their significant others. And then there are my parents...who were divorced when I was 5 and truly despised each other after the 5th year of matrimony. My father was married 5...yep...count the heads of the blondes, brunettes, and redheads...5 times. My mom was so bitter after the divorce she never even dated again...not once.
You could call me cynical...and yes...as my name implies...jaded, or even bitter like my mom, and I wouldn't completely disagree. It's not as though I arrived at my standards for love when I was 13 and I still believed that I was going to marry Rick Springfield.
Nope...this way of thinking took years and years of bad dates, failed relationships, horrible set-ups, and hearbreak. Oh and a few real bastards of ex-boyfriends who made me come to my senses...finally.
Some background...
The thing is...I am big. BIG. I am very tall at 5'9 1/2 from head to toe, and hardly fall into the ideal of what the world considers beautiful. I am big all over-except where it WOULD be appreciated...like in the boobs. But otherwise, I have big hips, big thighs, big calves, huge ass...small boobs. It's Gods cruel joke. It's not that I am all that fat really, I like to consider myself height-weight proportionate. I have some cellulite, and at 37...some...erm...sagging. But all in all I don't look half bad. I have grown comfortable in my skin as I have matured.
But some days...it's hard to be me. And the stuff I went through being bigger in high school is enough to start any woman on the path to Prozac. It can be very hard to live in culture where rubenesque women have very few role models. I for one, have no interest in being compared to the likes of Anna-Nicole, or Lewinsky. There are guys out there who have a penchant, if you will, for fuller figured women. But there are also guys who have a penchant for urinating on you and panty sniffing...so you can imagine why this "penchant" is not always an encouraging one.
For me anyway...no judgement.
Like it or not, I have evolved into a woman of size who realizes what I lack in looks I make up for in style, and personality and brains. I have come to like who I am, and appreciate it. I generally don't have trouble finding men, or vice versa. And the men who are attracted find that I am a really cool person, with a huge heart, giving nature, and a great tumble in the sack. I do not dissapoint...on the outside.
My flaw is one the inside.
I was one of the legions of single 30-somethings desperate to have the ideal.
The one I spoke of earlier.
And it became a vicious circle for me.
::I please you because I know if I do you will stay, even if you want to keep your options open, I will stay because one day you will come around and I will have the wedding and the house and the dog and the minivan, and the honey-do list magnetically affixed to my Stainless Frigidaire, on my laminate floor, in my perfect kitchen where I will prepare perfect meals for you. And then have perfect sex on a perfect bed and wake up and do it all over again the next day.::
Yeah...my delusions had no end to them.
And I continued to think this way until recently.
I know that I talk about Doug in this manner a lot. I know that in the past year I have been through all of the stages with him. And now, as I hope you all see...I am past all the drama. And IF anything ever falls into place with Doug, it's truly a plus. But do I see us in a front of a cozy fire every night smiling at each other as we watch the kids play on the rug? No.
I know that he and I seem to be well-suited for one another and that there is love there. But que sera sera.
Expecatations are for the people who live on E-Harmony.
We have times when laughter is the thing.
And we have had a past when tears were.
But without regret or longing for anything more...I believe that we will always have each other. No matter what, or in what context.
He may well watch me walk down the aisle with another man, as I may watch him do so with another girl.
And it's OK.
Because what he taught me about relationships, and life and love is the most wonderful gift he could ever give.
YES...even better than a platinum set diamond on my slim third left finger.
I believe in love...yes.
Do I believe in "romantic" love as the end all-beat all in my life. No.
It's far too short a time on this rock to hold stock in such prattle.
Happiness blooms where you allow it to.
And as it stands, personally. Happiness is what I have as long as I let it bloom in what I already have and not what I could have.
Do I love him?
Or wait...do I love him "romantically"?
Sure I do.
But I decided a while ago that I will not wait for him to decide he loves me in return any longer.
As long as he is there as my best friend...all is right with the world.
And I am in NO hurry to find "the one"
Because there is NO such thing.
"The One" is a piece of every man out there...the trick is getting to know someone and finding that out.
So, as cynical, jaded, or bitter as this may seem to someone-anyone reading...that's the part of me that has changed in the past year. I don't care anymore.
I like who I am...talkative, height-weight proportionate, crazy me.
And learning that has made all the difference.
Happy New Year everyone...love to all.
Last thought-
"We'll have to change these jaded ways...but I have loved these jaded ways..."
-Billy Joel.
Happily Jaded New Year-
Teresa
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