Sparks.

The spark...
At first...it feels as if there is a happiness indescribable, and then there is more happiness, but in a more tame, and realistic way. And then...you sleep together...and what happens then?

How is it that women are SO attached to the sexual aspect of a relationship in the physical way?

It's as if there is this bubble between a man and a woman that has the ability to keep a woman's mind fresh and thinking clearly until sex happens...then the bubble is burst, and there is NO holding her back?

And then the "me" becomes a "we"

Every sentence muttered from that moment on becomes an eye-rolling cliche of "WE have to go to the store, or WE will have to check our schedules, or WE had to punish the youngest last night for hitting his sister, or WE ate at the newest restaurant in town last week."

UGH! It's infuriating.

Speaking for myself...even I don't do that.

I can very easily think like a man.

I can very easily have meaningless sex, if I shut that weepy valve off.

Well, let me re-phrase here...
Sex is never meaningless...it has meaning to it.

And if it's with me it's memorable AND meaningful. (sorry...you know I had to go there...)

However, I know the difference between a sexual relationship and a love or romantic relationship. The spark, so the speak is not enough to intrigue me.
I can really deeply care for someone before anything sexual happens, and sometimes it is after that I find my stride for a guy I may have been on the fence for.
But, to clarify...the sex isn't what seals the deal for me, sometimes I have to just find the gumption or wherewithal to let my heart be open and vulnerable.
My past CAN sometimes dictate my feelings, but I am getting better at trust again, I guess Doug helped me with that, in a lot of ways.

Not all guys are bad, or looking to use and abuse me in some way...some have been, but not all. And that is a hard lesson to learn, looking at what I have been through in my dating life.

Those of you lucky or even unlucky enough to have read my Ex-Philes posts know what I am referring to here.

Perhaps I am getting better at pacing myself,
I wish I could say that it is all me, but I know myself, and it's hard to say.

I only know that I look back on my younger days and wonder about whether I was so ridiculous about my relationships?

I probably was. I can see me bringing the man of the day up at every pit stop in the convo.
I can also see myself attaching love and sex.

But, is it experience that has taught me now to be able to separate the two things?

Or is it knowledge?

I know that love is a euphoric, chemical trick of the brain. It's a scientific fact.
I know that the first initial feelings of romantic involvement or even a crush fuels the neurotransmitters in your brain to feel "high" similar to opiates, such as heroin, or morphine.

I know that romantic love is fleeting.

I know that sex is easily more readily available than love ever is.

So...what I tend to end up with is the sex being the carrier of the relationship.

Because it's no secret that I put out.
Easily.

Attraction is a grabber for me...

I have no hang ups being the silly hedonist I can be and will sleep with a guy when I feel like it.
I don't put a timeline on it.

If I want to...I do it. Period.

First date, second date, weeks, months, years...
when I am ready...I am ready.

But the sex is NOT what pulls me in, by any means.

I get off on sweet smiles, open-genuine hearts, and mischievous personalities.
Sarcasm, sense of humor, and emotionally availability.
Period.

That's what draws me in-initially

I decide long before the sex ever happens whether I want to hang in and see what develops.

If the sex is good...sure that doesn't hurt. It's a big bonus.
And I know that sex is also good for the bonding process of a fledgling relationship.

But it doesn't make a difference one way or the other in my decision.

Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?

I wish more women would think this way...
I believe that it could steal away a lot of the heartache we go through in the learning curve of love and happiness.

It's a shame that it took me 36 years to figure it out, though.

Perhaps I should write a self-help book?

Yeah...like I could teach women how to maintain a healthy relationship. That's a laugh.

But maybe I am finally close to knowing what that's like.
Trust is scary.
Hope is even scarier.

For now...day by day...seeing how things go...no sex included.

Soon though...very soon.

Have you met me? LOL.

Last thought-
"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous..."

-Carrie Bradshaw (SATC)

Feeling a spark-
Jaded