Becoming...

This last weekend Doug closed on his new house.

This is the story...

I went over to his apartment on Friday, from there we stopped and got chinese takeout and went to the new place to tape off the trim and baseboards for painting the next day. First let me say this: I love the house. It is small, and quaint, and perfect for him. The medium sized yard is nice, perfect size with a concrete slab for grilling and patio furniture. It is fenced in as well...a great place for his daughter to play. The kitchen has dated cabinetry and hardware, but there are mounds of cabinet and counter space. The living room has great ambient light because of a fabulous picture window. The bedrooms are smallish, but big enough for queen sized beds and to still have some room to maneuver. Putting it plain: I love the house. It is pretty much exactly what I would like to have someday on my own. I was madly jealous, yet extremely excited and happy for him all weekend thinking of the many possibilities this cozy house has.

I painted his daughter's room first, mostly because it's pink...and pink is my favorite color, and it is so precious! Perfect for the girly girl 4 year old that she is. I know she is going to flip out when she sees it for the first time. Especially since Doug put up the draperies (pink daisy curtain rods, and these fabulous lavender sparlky sheer curtains) I mean...this room is a dream room for for a little girl. Just too cute! Doug's bedroom is coming along as well...even though I am not fond of the color he chose, (it's yellowish) the navy blue curtains really contrast the color and it looks pretty good so far.

All in all I would have to say that it is such a good thing for Doug. I think he finally knows his life is going on fine without his ex, and the rebuilding phase is working out.

This may be the thing he really needs for closure. I could be talking out of my arse here, but I truly believe that this is what was needed for him to finally let completely go of his old life and begin his new life. Whether or not that future includes me...remains to be seen, but one can only hope that he comes to that conclusion.

Last night before I left, I looked at him seriously and said...as I do often..."you're still the best boyfriend ever, you know..." and he smiled and said: "Thank you..." I then went on to say: "Baby, I'm trying so hard to be the best girlfriend ever...I really am." and with that he said: "You are, baby..."

Now while this may seem like a semi warm compliment to some reading...it is huge to me, considering that within the last 2 months I haven't heard anything like that, anything complimentary at all. I was beginning to doubt myself, I was beginning to doubt him, I was beginning to doubt, well....everything. And just that one statement...it found itself imbedded inside me, giving me reassurance, strength, and love. I have admitted at one time or another to all of you my insecurities, my emotional neediness, my cling-factors...so you all know that reassuarnce is something I do NEED, but I am working on needing it less and less everyday. Change is not easy for me. I am a Taurus, a fixed sign, a stubborn-fixed sign. I like sameness, I like reliability, I love the status quo. So learning how to change myself is a process in which I struggle profusely...on a daily basis. So changing myself has been difficult in that aspect. But I am working on it. I don't want any of you to think for one second that I am making this attempt at change for Doug only. That would be a severely untrue statement. I am doing this for me...for sanity purposes, for the fact that it is truly needed, and because until I learn to un-do these issues I will never be happy in a relationship, or in myself. Most women who have these problems are completely oblivious to them, they may have even be told a time or two that this was a problem, but denial is a strong river, and it is hard to see it yourself. That is my difference, here. I am completely aware of my neurosis. I know I am that way. I guess my hold back for a long time has been that I never understood how to go about changing it. And for another reason I suppose. I think it has to do with the fact that I guess I have never known a man who was worth fixing my problems for. Maybe Doug is.

I know that I have gone and on and on about him and sung his praises till the cows have come home, closed the barn door, and stuffed their heads under the hay bales screaming: "SHUTUP ABOUT THAT DUDE, WILL YA???!!!!" But, the point needs to be hammered home that he is the best man I have ever known. He has meant more to me in this last year than any other man I have ever encountered. He is my center...and I believe the missing part of me that has been there for so long. I love him, always will.

My point?

For me first, and for Doug and Bubba secondly....change in my life and bad habits is in order.

And the point of the whole post?

If Doug is willing to change and accept change and move on...by making this grand commitment to his new home, then...as a grand inspiriation to me I will do what I can to change as well. Maybe not on the scale of buying a house right now (someday, sigh...) but to learn to shake loose old baggage and love myself as well as others is a step in the right direction.

As mellodramatic as this may seem, I am serious.

Ad while I still haven't heard the "three little words" It's ok...

I'm over worrying about it.

I am pretty sure while he isn't able to say it...he does in fact love me.

You don't hold someone like that and not love them...

You don't encourage someone like that and not love them...

And most importantly: why else would he put up with me?

So, Next week he actually "moves in" to his new house...all of the big furniture, the beds, the everything else we didn't get done this last weekend.

I am truly happy for him and excited.

Seeing the look on his face all weekend was gift enough for me. You can see hos HUGE this is in his life. Let me explain a little here. Doug is a really even-keeled guy. I have seen him show emotion a time or two, but for the most part he stays pretty much on one mood to the outside. He is laid back and mellow thru events that I would be in complete crisis mode through. He just maintains easily. (I think he bottles stuff up...but that for another post) Anyway, seeing the glow on his face on Saturday, and being surrounded by the people he loves and cares for. I think it really put things into perspective for him. I could literally feel him vibrate with happiness and pride. Even though he was keeping his poker face on for the out world...I could see it in the twinkle of his eye, and I could feel it in the positive energy he was exuding. I could also feel nervousness, but the whole process is nerve-wracking so that was understandable.

So...big changes in life this week...for everyone concerned.

I'm working on the inside and the outside, by the way. I am going to try to scrape my pennies together to start at Weight Watchers, and I am also going to talk to my doctor about whether Chantix will interfere with my Paxil and try to quit smoking finally as well. I think that feeling better about my outer appearance (ie) weight, smoke stained teeth, skin...etc... I will be able to start being happier and more well-adjusted inside as well.

Cross your digits for me...

And cross your digits for Doug as well, he is on the road to big changes as well.

As far as the two of us together, lets hope our collective changes can give us wings and we can learn to be happy together.

Last thought-

"The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become..."

-Charles Dubois

Becoming-

Jaded