From that first date...we were practically inseparable.We instantly had crazy-chemistry, and we both were just thrilled to be in each others company.
We became an official couple the following Monday.
Yeah, it was quick...I know. But we were just in the moment, and it felt right.
So, knowing better...we threw aside caution and just dove in.
So wonderful at the time.
Bliss.
No other hokey work can describe it, honestly.
Bliss, pure and simple.
Here is a snippet of how the phone conversation that Monday went:
(with my thoughts in-between interjected for your entertainment.)
Him: I had a really good time Saturday, and well...ahem...yesterday.
Me: Um...yeah well...I hadn't planned on that happening...must have been your irresistible charm.
(It was the kiss, actually...and I knew hours before I was going to rock that...LOL, but I certainly didn't tell him that.)
Him: Well...no worries, I am glad that we did.
(I'll bet you are...he he)
Me: Good. I'm glad...and for the record, me too.
Him: So...that kinda brings me to what I wanted to say...
(UH OH...Here we go)
Me: Oh yeah? (swallowing hard...preparing)
Him: Yeah, um...can I ask you something?
Me: Sure, anything....what's up?
Him: What are you looking for exactly? I mean...like a relationship, or fun, or friends? Cause we both just got out of a serious relationship, and with me...a divorce. So, I guess what I wanted to ask is what do you want out of this?
(Tricky...and SO not sure how to answer this question)
Me: Well...yes, we did both just get out a bad deal recently...but I think we fit well together and I really enjoy your company, in every way. I think there is definitely something here we should explore. Now, as to the level of seriousness...I am going to leave that ball in you're court.
(NICE...good thinking on you're feet-Jaded!)
Him: Yeah, well...then I guess we should just do it, you know?
Me: I'm not sure what you mean exactly...could you be more clear?
(WTF???)
Him: I feel silly as hell asking this...like I am 12 years old again...but you know...well...here goes: Jaded...will you be my girlfriend?
(HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! OMG! YAY! OMG!)
Me: (collecting myself as much as possible) Um...well...(blush blush) Yes...I would love to.
Him: Whew...awesome.
(Holy fucking shit.)
Me: (Moonily smiling, and still blushing...)
And on the conversation went until 12ish, and sweet dreams of his lips and hands did then envelop me.
And now we were in an official relationship.
The months went by pretty fast and I realized that I was really, really, crazy into him...and I was following this line of thought at a stupid pace. I wasn't sure why, or what power he held over me-it was just happening- and speeding towards me like a runaway train. My usual jaded, cautious, hesitant-self just went away.
I felt at ease, I trusted him, he trusted me.
Just to be next to him...just laying in his lap and watching a movie gave me so much pleasure that I was in a complete fog...all the time.
I spent the days daydreaming about him at work, and his constant emails and text messages-dripping with sweet sentiment were just falling over me like a warm springtime rain.
I was in love...no doubt.
Nothing could break this spell.
And I had never felt anything like this...ever.
I was so lost in him, I couldn't even find my damn car keys.
In all of the other posts about random men, and the effect they had on me- you notice the residuals of hesitation and finally just being worn down to the "idea" of the relationship? Yeah...that was gone now. He broke down all my walls...they crumbled all around me and exposed me to the world. A world of him...and me...and trust...together.
Before Doug I had loved-yes.
But in a different way.
Not for the sake of comfort, or rebellion, or being coerced into it, or lust, or naivety, or for any other reason.
This was love- for love's sake.
I just knew.
You hear this statement a lot in romantic comedies and even on the eye-rolling E-Harmony commercials, and I usually flip off the TV, or say: "yeah...and pigs fly...hmpph..."
Not this time...
I believed.
I believed in him-
The person that he was, and the person he wanted to become.
The cynical, sarcastic, funny but really sweet guy.
I wanted to take his past pain away, I wanted him to be happy, I very rarely thought of myself, or over-analyzed anything.
I just went with it.
And damned be possible consequences.
I was sprung.
I was in love with DOUG and not in love with LOVE, for the very first time.
Wow, I mean, this feeling is comparable to your first real orgasm-powerful, breathtaking, mind blowing, and even now...unforgettable.
At our 6 month anniversary I made him a surprise candlelit dinner in his post-war (divorce) apartment, and I finally declared my feelings.
That was a murderously sad night for me.
Because he didn't return the feelings.
And I swore, because I had revealed this he was going to bail on me.
He didn't.
He stayed for another 8 months.
In June, we came to an impasse. I was starting to feel restless for the fact that A.) He still hadn't reciprocated my feelings, and B.) Because I wasn't sure he was ever going to.
He had become more distant and withdrawn, and I always felt like I was vying for his attention.
I would call him everyday at 7p and spill my guts. I cried about losing my job, and being one of the ranks of the unemployed. I cried about hating algebra and worrying whether I was going to graduate. I cried about single motherhood and whether I was doing a good job raising my son alone. I cried about having to so suddenly move and finding a place to live. I cried about the holidays and never having the money to make them great for my kid, and my family- and he always listened, intently. He never judged, or sighed, or made me feel bad. He just listened to me, and never complained about it. I would make passive-aggressive jokes about it myself and he would laugh...but I knew he was always ok with it...he was just a great boyfriend in that way.
But...I started to feel like a burden to him...heaping my issues onto his shoulders, and I realized after all my self-absorption that I rarely was give the opportunity to listen to his problems...
When I asked him to tell me about his...he always held back.
He was smart enough to give me a shred of trouble to placate me, but he never quite-divulged, completely.
It all came down to him not trusting me with his secrets and his worries and just letting me into half of his life...and not all of it, where I desperately wanted to be.
He placed me into a niche, if you will.
The niche kept me at a safe distance from his heart, but just enough to fool me into hanging on for dear life to something that was fading fast.
I am very stubborn, though. I am known for nodding off the bad ju ju and just powering away at something until it is worn to a nub and I literally have nothing to grasp anymore.
And this is exactly what I did in my relationship with him.
To quote John Mayer...we were slow dancing in a burning room.
I knew something was coming...the idea of breaking up became something that was always looming.
It followed me around in my thoughts-constantly.
And in June...it truly was there.
We broke up, at his idea.
He knew me, and knew that as unhappy as I was, that I would never take that step.
The nub was still there, after all.
I am no quitter.
I wasn't devastated, or irrational, or blindsided. It was a calm, friendly, ease me into it breakup.
He did it so well...I, even to this day, love him for that-as twisted as that may sound.
I mourned a little.
I went to therapy.
I did fall into a depression.
But I know now that this emotion wasn't stemmed from the breakup.
It was stemmed from the growing, black, thorny rose of my past and all of the baggage I had been carrying all those years.
I had been broken so many times in my past...that even though Doug, who was so wonderful in the end couldn't save me.
That I finally shattered into the million pieces of pain, and betrayal, and lies, and stupidity that had preceded him.
The tiny pieces on the ground were crushed into sand, and I almost blew away...almost.
But looking back now, I believe that the shattering was exactly what I needed to pull my head out of my arse and become the woman I have resolved to be now.
Whether that is all a good thing, remains to be seen, perhaps. But I feel better about it now, and that's what's important.
You all know I still love him and that he has some kind of feelings for me as well, although I am not sure what that is exactly. I can analyze that in the next excerpt of the post and maybe in some detail- explain the aftermath and the up to present reality of this "non-relationship."
Mr. Big is still around...that for the next time.
I will try to explain what we are doing when we are still only coined as "friends"- and there reall is more there...it's apparent to everyone, and even us.
And so, we trudge on.
Hopefully we will find the answers...and if not, perhaps time and fate will.
Last thought-
"Oh, no no no, it's my own fault. I had to make the big let's be friends speech...but who was I kidding, Big and I weren't friends, we were...something else..."
-Carrie Bradshaw (SATC)
Your friend...everbody's friend-
Jaded
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