Especially On Holidays...

Here’s the thing.

Another holiday…another sad state of affairs.
I hate being alone on holidays…it’s just depressing.

Not because I am a huge celebrator of the religious holidays, per se.
Mostly because of the family surroundings and the togetherness.

The safety of it all.

The feeling of home.

I don’t have that, at least I haven’t since Doug and I broke up.

And now especially since my dad is gone, I feel very alone in the world.

Bubba is gone Sunday, still…spring break has been spent with the step mom due to her being laid off presently, and my needing to work, and not wanting to pay full-day daycare for a solid week.
They go to church and have the big Easter dinner- all the frilly pink dresses and silly hats included.

Logan will probably ruin the suit I just bought him for his pa pa’s memorial by rolling around in the grass looking for eggs and stuffing himself with candy and Virginia baked ham. And I will be sitting home alone…as per usual for every holiday.

Holidays are the hardest for me.

This is when I realize how truly alone I am, when most of the time I can forget that fact and center on my busy, single-mom life.

So, listening to all the women around me talk about the menu for Sunday and all the yummy goodness of mom or grandmas homemade grub has made this day damn near crybaby for me.

Wait, what am I saying? I am already crying…so “damn near” didn’t do the sentence justice.

I hate holidays.

I hate that I will be eating hot dogs or a hot pocket for dinner on Sunday.

I hate that everyone else I know will be chowing down and watching kids run around the yard gathering candy and eggs.

I hate that I will be alone-again-and probably for the rest of my life on each holiday, and I have to look forward to it every damn year.

And before you wonder, I let Bubba go with his dad every holiday because they have a big house and a big family. And since I don’t have either of those things, I refuse to let Bub go without this. He needs to know that feeling of family that I can never give him. I had it as a kid, and I loved every second of it.

So…going without it now is really not a good thing.

I guess going without is common for me these days.

I really only know how to give.

Receiving is completely another story altogether.

Especially on holidays.

Last thought-

"When we truly realize that we are all alone, is when we need others the most..."

-Roald Dahl

I realize-

Jaded