Settle Or Lose...

So the object of love is what exactly?

I have been pondering this question since my first kiss, my first grope, my first "heavy Petting" ordeal, and even my first true feelings.

As a single 37 year old woman I have to wonder what the secret is?

Please please married ladies...let me in on your pearls of wisdom, would you?

For clarification...let me say that when I said I was single I meant pseudo-single. Translation: Boyfriend with intimacy/emotional availability issues. Or in Bridget Jones vernacular: A fuckwit.

Let me say also that, I love him.

The three words that strike fear into the hearts of mere mortals not unlike myself.

I scare easily.

I am comparing myself to a shaky Chiuhuah (sp?) dog or even a running bunny. The words I love you are difficult, if not torturous to admit, and even more horrible to say out loud.

But I did.

Approximately 6 months ago...I did.

And yet...his cop out response was stupidly accepted by a fake-smiling holding back tears 37 year old pseudo-single babe sitting directly across the table from him.

"I am just not sure after what I went through with the ex that I even believe in the concept of romantic love anymore...but I do have love for you, and the boy. I care for you very much and I don't want to lose you..."

Hmphhh...

So here we are six months later and still in the void.

I am not a game player. Quite frankly I never have been. I believe in being upfront and honest about almost everything. I am who I am and that will not change. Yet, I have to wonder if I played the game would I be a part of the "American Dream" by now?

Yes...yes...

I KNOW...UGH.

I Know that things aren't always what they seem in happy couple land. I know that (cliche alert) the grass isn't always greener. BUT...Damnit. Where is the happy medium in love?

And why the hell can't a smart girl like myself find it.

When is it ok to let go of expectations and just go with the flow?

Or better yet...when is it time to say goodbye?

Goodbye...a word that strikes fear into the hearts of mere...ah...you get the drift.

Plain and simple, can I ever get to a point of being happy with what I have and just relax?

OR

Will I ever get the point of goodbye?

Which one is better.

To settle.

OR

To lose.

I give myself credit a lot of times for being observant and smart.

In everything except love.

Let me catch my breath here for a moment and recall a simpler time.

A time when I was just happy to have a boyfriend at all.

Happy to have someone to call.

Happy to have a lover.

Happy to...be happy. (fat and happy)

And now....as the lady in the Slimquick commercial says:

"Fat...not so happy."

So my boyfriend is still my boyfriend. But at 37 years old, and he at 36....for how much longer will he be?

And settling?

Well...that remains to be seen.

Last thought-

"Relationships have been on the decline ever since women came out of the cave, looked around and said, "this isn't so bad...."

-Samantha Jones (SATC)

Settle or lose?

-JM