I went grocery shopping today.
I am such a basket case.
I literally bursted into tears while in the snack aisle.
I took one look at the Combos and lost it.
So much so that the little old lady next to me hurried past me thinking I was some kind of deranged psycho and so that the middle aged lady on the other side of me asked me if I was ok and handed me a tissue out of her purse.
Embarassing.
The lady probably guessed what was wrong by the look of me.
Unwashed hair, puffy eyes, sweatpants and a ripped Old Navy T-shirt and pink stained house slippers in 85 degree weather.
The lady gave me a pitying, knowing smile and shoved off with her full cart.
The reason for my fit?
Doug and Lily LOVE Combos...it is Doug's absolute favorite snack. And I picked them up to buy them for him...cause I do stuff like that all the time...and suddenly it dawned on me. Why would you buy those snacks for him when he isn't your boyfriend anymore???
And blammo...it hit me like a ton of bricks and my world just dissolved around me until I found myself in the 15th level of hell surrounded by skinny blonde women serving cocktails and everyone laughing and pointing at the fat girl.
Then I came back to earth and the woman was handing me a tissue.
And I stood there and just stared into space for like 10 minutes trying to wrap my head around my actions.
I thought I was ok.
I mean- I am exhausted from 3 hours sleep in the last 48 hours, and weak from no food consumption (everything I have eaten has come up or out in a not so pleasant manner)
But mentally I thought I could handle this.
I know it was coming...there truly was no shock effect in the process.
I felt sad and a bit depressed but not crazy and completely off my chain like I was with David.
I just couldn't wrap my head around the way I looked standing there like some deranged shopping cart schizo hobo.
Then I looked inside my cart and honestly do NOT remember putting what I had put in. And you would NOT believe what was in there.
1. 3 buckets of chocolate ice cream
2. A bag of pastel colored marshmallows (I HATE marshmallows)
3. KY his and hers intimate lotion?
4. 6 bags of Doritos
5. A case of regular Pepsi (I drink diet Dr. Pepper)
6. 2 boxes of Ho Ho's
7. A case...(not a bottle) of hersheys chocolate syrup...an entire case.
8. Family size box of Captain Crunch cereal.
9. A box of 100 Totinos Pizza Rolls
10. 2 boxes of Entemans devils food choclate doughnuts.
and the coup de gras...
11. 10 bags of all varities of Combos.
I have no recollection of putting these things in my cart.
It is almost like I was on auto pilot until I started bawling in the snack aisle.
I left my cart in the aisle and left promptly.
I then went home, took a shower, cleaned up...put on regular clothes and went to Kroger.
Everything in my cart was put there on purpose and I got what I needed.
I did cry again (weep-like...no sobs) while putting the Stacy's Pita chips and Hummus in my cart, but at least I was aware of everything going on around me. I left my sunglasses on so no one could see as well cause I figured that I might bawl again over some stupid trivial thing.
You see...I stopped taking my crazy pills.
I had to...they were making me worse. While they killed the anxiety and helped my IBS, they were also making me more depressed and way down. I couldn't do it anymore so I quit them.
Yes...yes...I KNOW I am not supposed to do that before consulting with my doctor...but with the flat tire on my car (I'm driving around with my kid on a damn donut tire) and the cilco due by Friday or BOOM BOOM out go the lights... and the phone bill due Thursday or RING RING off goes the phone....a doctor bill will have to wait.
So I wonder if that little...we'll call it a "spell" at Wal Mart was a symptom of stopping my nutty meds cold turkey. Who knows???
I only know that when 6:30pm comes tonite I am going to feel that emptiness again because I can't call him like I did every night for the last 13 months. Every night...like habit, I called him on or around 6ish to see how his day was and to tell him about mine and to laugh at his jokes, or cry to him about my problems or to listen to his problems. And tonight is the first nite I have to go without that familar "Hey babe" at the other end of the line.
I'm don't know how that will fare.
Ok...well I have to be a mommy now and go pick up Bubba from his last day of school.
I will probably write more later...maybe...who knows.
I know I said I wasn't going to for awhile...but I have to put this whirling mind to rest and put some of this down somehwere.
Combos...who knew?
Jaded
I am such a basket case.
I literally bursted into tears while in the snack aisle.
I took one look at the Combos and lost it.
So much so that the little old lady next to me hurried past me thinking I was some kind of deranged psycho and so that the middle aged lady on the other side of me asked me if I was ok and handed me a tissue out of her purse.
Embarassing.
The lady probably guessed what was wrong by the look of me.
Unwashed hair, puffy eyes, sweatpants and a ripped Old Navy T-shirt and pink stained house slippers in 85 degree weather.
The lady gave me a pitying, knowing smile and shoved off with her full cart.
The reason for my fit?
Doug and Lily LOVE Combos...it is Doug's absolute favorite snack. And I picked them up to buy them for him...cause I do stuff like that all the time...and suddenly it dawned on me. Why would you buy those snacks for him when he isn't your boyfriend anymore???
And blammo...it hit me like a ton of bricks and my world just dissolved around me until I found myself in the 15th level of hell surrounded by skinny blonde women serving cocktails and everyone laughing and pointing at the fat girl.
Then I came back to earth and the woman was handing me a tissue.
And I stood there and just stared into space for like 10 minutes trying to wrap my head around my actions.
I thought I was ok.
I mean- I am exhausted from 3 hours sleep in the last 48 hours, and weak from no food consumption (everything I have eaten has come up or out in a not so pleasant manner)
But mentally I thought I could handle this.
I know it was coming...there truly was no shock effect in the process.
I felt sad and a bit depressed but not crazy and completely off my chain like I was with David.
I just couldn't wrap my head around the way I looked standing there like some deranged shopping cart schizo hobo.
Then I looked inside my cart and honestly do NOT remember putting what I had put in. And you would NOT believe what was in there.
1. 3 buckets of chocolate ice cream
2. A bag of pastel colored marshmallows (I HATE marshmallows)
3. KY his and hers intimate lotion?
4. 6 bags of Doritos
5. A case of regular Pepsi (I drink diet Dr. Pepper)
6. 2 boxes of Ho Ho's
7. A case...(not a bottle) of hersheys chocolate syrup...an entire case.
8. Family size box of Captain Crunch cereal.
9. A box of 100 Totinos Pizza Rolls
10. 2 boxes of Entemans devils food choclate doughnuts.
and the coup de gras...
11. 10 bags of all varities of Combos.
I have no recollection of putting these things in my cart.
It is almost like I was on auto pilot until I started bawling in the snack aisle.
I left my cart in the aisle and left promptly.
I then went home, took a shower, cleaned up...put on regular clothes and went to Kroger.
Everything in my cart was put there on purpose and I got what I needed.
I did cry again (weep-like...no sobs) while putting the Stacy's Pita chips and Hummus in my cart, but at least I was aware of everything going on around me. I left my sunglasses on so no one could see as well cause I figured that I might bawl again over some stupid trivial thing.
You see...I stopped taking my crazy pills.
I had to...they were making me worse. While they killed the anxiety and helped my IBS, they were also making me more depressed and way down. I couldn't do it anymore so I quit them.
Yes...yes...I KNOW I am not supposed to do that before consulting with my doctor...but with the flat tire on my car (I'm driving around with my kid on a damn donut tire) and the cilco due by Friday or BOOM BOOM out go the lights... and the phone bill due Thursday or RING RING off goes the phone....a doctor bill will have to wait.
So I wonder if that little...we'll call it a "spell" at Wal Mart was a symptom of stopping my nutty meds cold turkey. Who knows???
I only know that when 6:30pm comes tonite I am going to feel that emptiness again because I can't call him like I did every night for the last 13 months. Every night...like habit, I called him on or around 6ish to see how his day was and to tell him about mine and to laugh at his jokes, or cry to him about my problems or to listen to his problems. And tonight is the first nite I have to go without that familar "Hey babe" at the other end of the line.
I'm don't know how that will fare.
Ok...well I have to be a mommy now and go pick up Bubba from his last day of school.
I will probably write more later...maybe...who knows.
I know I said I wasn't going to for awhile...but I have to put this whirling mind to rest and put some of this down somehwere.
Combos...who knew?
Jaded
Comments
You have to get it out, but you do have to get to the doctor again soon too. I know its not my place, but... it can definitely help. Maybe a different med.
So I believe in my heart that he IS the right one. he just doesn't love me. I scared him off as usual apparently. This one hurts the most because he is the one. I mean that. I could have spent my entire life with him and been deliriously happy. He's just such a good person all around.
So this is just impossible.
But...thank you for your encouragement and help...I always appreciate it sweetie. Hopefully things will get better. We'll see... :o)
I believe you that he is a great guy but I think he's not "the one," if he was, you wouldn't be broken up! So I agree with Rix, take this time, mourn this loss as much as you need to, but I hope you know that you will be okay in the end and "the one" is still out there. (Okay, I'm not sure if I believe there is "one," I actually think there are "many" out there, and hopefully we meet just one of those many that is a good fit for each.)
Jennifer
He even told me that IF he had met me BEFORE his ex wife got her hooks into him...that we would be married and happy today. He said that himself. He said I am the best girlfriend he has ever had...that I did nothing wrong. But something in me doubts that- because why in thw world else would he have wanted out otherwise?
I just think this was my last chance. I'm 37...I am NOT getting any younger. And to boot, I look like damaged goods being a single mom.
Guess it's time to clap out and let the next dealer take over...my cards are BAD.
I just have to get used to life on my own and quit worrying about it.
It sucks, but it looks like that's the way it goes.
And no...I'm not having a pity party here...just facing the truth for once in my crappy jaded life.
But again...thanks to everyone for the kind words.
I'll be back to normal soon...hopefully.
Hugs.