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Damaged Goods.

How is it that I have lived 37 years and I have never had love?

I mean...in 37 years...not ONE of the men in my life has ever loved me.


And I mean ALL men.


Yes, yes...even family.


I was a throw away daughter who was replaced by a step daughter.

I was a throw away sister replaced by his wife...now I no longer exist. The only reason I ever talk to him is when I call him. He couldn't care less about me.


And Bubba. OK...


I'll give you Bubba...he does love me.

But only by obligatory nature.


Yeah...sounds overdramatic?

Maybe that's why they run far far away, leaving skid marks and a trail of smoke as they go.


So yeah.


Nothing is figured out.


While he rides his bike and exercises getting fit and looking all summery good and even more attractive to every successful available female in State Farm land...I sit and eat Ben and Jerry's and probably puke it up with circles under my eyes from lack of sleep and crying and toiling over money and lack of job...and being alone again. Being alone for good...at 37 I guess I just gotta come to terms with it. No spring chicken here, and marriage after 35? What's the point. And a better question...what guy is ever gonna want ME anyway. I mean...my resume pretty much speaks for itself, right? The first thing they think when they talk to me and find out that I am 37 and never been married is: Must be something wrong with her...No thanks. Like I said before...damaged goods, here.


I was going to try and look fabulous on the 4th of July new hair, makeup, a new outfit and maybe even a pedicure and be all normal. (we have a "non-date" that day)

And now...well, I know that I am not going to have the money to do any of that anyway. So what's the damn point?


If you are reading this...I meant what I said before...please stop now. I am not being funny here...please don't read any more of this drivel. Seriously... I'm ridiculous.


I seriously just want to bury myself under the blankets and sleep...for weeks. Just be there sleeping and trying to forget my shit life.

I just want to give up.


Being alone is horrible...I don't wish it on anyone.


Just to know that somone loves you and needs you somone who actually wants to be with you and would be devastated to lose you...how wonderful that must be. I wouldn't know.


So, why the fuck am I even on this earth?


I mean isn't that what life is supposed to be about??? To love and be loved?


SO WHY THE FUCK AM I HERE?

WHY WAS I PUT ON THIS EARTH?
WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOOD FOR??????????


Nothing, it seems.


I am losing my mind.


Thanks, God...thanks for making me your sick little joke. Everybody up there get a good fucking laugh at the amazing fat girl with no job and bad parenting skills and the revolving door of men who take a huge shit all over her, laugh as well and leave.


If I was a guy...I would leave me too.

I'm crazy, neurotic, damaged goods.


They should have an island colony for women like me...just like lepers.

HA...who am I kidding...lepers even get more respect than I do in this life. And I'm sure that the lepers haven't had to live completely without love either.


I don't deserve this. I'm really not a bad person. I'm actually a pretty good person.

So why?


I just don't understand.


That is all.




Comments

IDNKM said…
You seem very fixated on someone loving you. As if you can be nothing without that. Whether someone loves should not define your existence. You are you, regardless of what other people do or do not think or feel about you.

At least you seem to have a very clear idea of what love or being loved means. In that area you are way ahead of me. I continue to struggle with what love means and whether I can or do feel it. I really do not know.
June 12, 2008 at 11:05 PM
Ramble On said…
19 years ago, after my second divorce, I remember sitting in the living room of my apartment, with my oldest cat in my lap. A thought went through my head, "Is this what it is going to be like at age 80? Sitting alone with a cat in my lap." That was immediately followed by, "It could be a lot worse." I have spent 25 year of my life in marriages that were not healthy. Throw in a couple of other disfunctional relationships and the end result was having to learn to enjoy my own company. Please seek out whatever psychological help you need, take what meds you need, don't isolate yourself, learn to be your own best friend. Being in a relationship or marriage does not make a whole person. I truly wish I could give you a hug and go for a long walk with you. I have been reading you long enough to know there is more to you than you give yourself credit for.
June 13, 2008 at 7:24 PM
Jadedgirl said…
I hear you, Ramble. Thank you for the kind words. The isolation really isn't my fault though. I would have loved to take Bub to Grossology at Lakeview Museum or even to Steamboat Days today, but the financial situation isn't agreeing with that idea. And my meds...that's another story...no doct until money as well. So, looks like I am stuck until someone is kind enough out there to give me a full time job.
Best I can say at this point is: Pray for me.
Hugs.
June 13, 2008 at 8:04 PM
Jadedgirl said…
IDNKM-

Doesn't the song go: "You're Nobody Until Somebody Loves You..."?

Apparently so.

Thanks for the concern and kind words, but I am afraid I am beyond help at this point.

Hugs.
June 13, 2008 at 8:07 PM
Becs said…
You sound pretty hopeless.

"You're nobody until somebody loves you..." maybe the song says that, but how can someone love you if you feel like you're nobody? Its easy to sense how someone feels about themself and its hard to put faith/stock/love/whatever in someone, when they can't give that to themselves.

Many times love has to come from within before it can ever be reciprocated from the outside.

You see a pattern in your own life with relationships, but perhaps the relationships you seem to seek out are ones that fit that pattern... unintentionally, of course. YOu might have to work on yourself a little in order to help break that cycle.

I don't know, just a few brief thoughts. Again, I hope I didn't offend. Online communication can be quite difficult at times. Feel free to tell me to shutup if you want. I won't take offense.

I haven't had the hard knocks you have, but as many of us can say, I have had plenty of my own. And I know it was only after I took the time to really figure me out that I was able to really have a successful relationship... which turned into a fabulout marriage :) My husband used to say he wishes we had met sooner (even though we still were young when we met) my response was had we met sooner, I wouldn't have been ready. (Just a random thought, semi-related.)
June 13, 2008 at 10:02 PM
Ramble On said…
Human Service Center - sliding fee scale - used to start at $5.00 a session. At least call. There has to be help somewhere. On a different topic - change songs!
I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!
June 13, 2008 at 10:27 PM
Jadedgirl said…
Thanks, Ramble...I'll check into it on Monday. I know I need help. I have for a long time. Apparently being broke up with just brought out the intensified crazy in me.

Becs...
Your advice is good...don't ever think I would be offended. I appreciate it.
I will say this though: It is hard to love yourself when your life has been what it has been for me.
I lost my mom at 26, my dad is well...just not much of a dad. My family is divided and completely dysfunctional...I speak to very very few of them. So I have always been kinda floating around out here alone. You'd think I would be used to it by now. Not so much, unfortunately. I hate it.
I usually feel ok about the person I am, but when you have been rejected as often as I have, even when you have done everything right (three of the last 4 boyfriends have even said as much...going as far as to say I was THE best girlfriend they have ever had) OK...so why then?
I even find good, stable normal ones...and yet...I still am not "just right" for them. I am lacking something, and I wish like hell I knew what it was.
So self-esteem aside, I just want the love I deserve, and am apparently cursed.
I sound so juvenille...I know. But I'm tired of pretending that I CAN do it. I just don't have it in me anymore.
Destiny must be dictating my love (or lack thereof) life.

But again...I appreciate the wisdom and will take your words with me.

Hugs.
June 13, 2008 at 10:48 PM
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