I am SO done.
This has been the grandaddy of all weeks...
I am just done.
I would just LOVE for one good thing to happen to me.
It is ALL shit.
I know you all get tired of reading my bitching and moaning and whining...I myself am tired of listening to it in my own fucking head.
I mean...
WHEN DO I GET TO BE FUCKING HAPPY????? WHEN????
Ugh...so pathetic.
So financially things aren't looking anywhere near better...and quite frankly are getting worse.
I did get my stimulus check finally.
I paid my bills...well all the bills I could.
But as you can all assume...1500. worth of bills and 898. worth of check just doesn't get it.
So, I did some creative accounting and paid portions of bills to stretch it as far as it would go. The problem? Most of those bills were already late and paying most of them wasn't cutting it.
SO...
Cilco needed $157. more and Verizon needed $50. more to keep me turned on. AND my car insurance needs $110. more by 6/17 or that's cancelled. Rent is due...and THEN as if THAT weren't enough...my baby daddy tells me today that he left his job for a new one so that ultimately means my child support will be tied up in red tape for up to 6 weeks.
I have .85 in my checking account and I am driving my car around on a donut tire...STILL. I get my paycheck Monday...for $30. wheeeeee......
I made a whopping $35 today...which I put into my gas tank.
I can't even buy a fucking pack of cigarettes and now have bitten my nails to bleeding.
I got my diploma in the mail today...YAY.
A lot of good it is doing me so far.
I have literally 75 emailed resumes out and at least 20 via snail mail.
Not one bite...not one.
Even the jobs I am unbelieveably qualified for. No response whatsoever.
So...summing up this is my week...
1. I have had to put almost every penny I have made into my gas tank because of having to drive Bubba back and forth to Pekin for day camp.
2. Donut tire.
3. Car Insurance.
4. Rent.
5. Child support.
6. The big dumping.
Is there any way that the powers that be could give me a break????
I mean- JUST ONE BREAK.
I do not ever ask for too much...I don't want to be rich, I don't care if I am smoking beautiful, I don't ask for a perfect ken doll guy.
I just want to pay my bills and have a little left over for retirement and Bubs college and maybe even get to actually fly somewhere for a REAL vacation just once perhaps. ( I have never been on a plane and have probably only visited the airport like twice in my life)
I want a good guy who doesn't beat me, or abuse Bub in any way. Someone who can love me...just LOVE me. I promise I am worth it.
I want my own home and a reliable car.
Don't need diamonds...furs...champagne wishes or caviar dreams. Don't need anything but to be happy for once...just one time in my pathetic life.
I hate the person I am...the poster child for failure. I can't even make a happy home for my son. He's not happy because I never am. I can't give him what he needs...ever.
Maybe he would be better off with my aunt. I am about to give up.
I look terrible...my stomach is in knots...I can't eat...I still can't sleep...my fingers are all wrapped with bandaids because they have been bitten to the quick. I'm a complete and total mess.
And I have the weekend to look forward to....by myself in this crackerbox.
I can't even afford to go to my own kids baseball game Saturday.
I just wanna run away from this life.
That would be great, if I had the gas to get there.
I GIVE UP.
Please God...if you can hear me...please just help me.
Just help me. ONE TIME.
This has been the grandaddy of all weeks...
I am just done.
I would just LOVE for one good thing to happen to me.
It is ALL shit.
I know you all get tired of reading my bitching and moaning and whining...I myself am tired of listening to it in my own fucking head.
I mean...
WHEN DO I GET TO BE FUCKING HAPPY????? WHEN????
Ugh...so pathetic.
So financially things aren't looking anywhere near better...and quite frankly are getting worse.
I did get my stimulus check finally.
I paid my bills...well all the bills I could.
But as you can all assume...1500. worth of bills and 898. worth of check just doesn't get it.
So, I did some creative accounting and paid portions of bills to stretch it as far as it would go. The problem? Most of those bills were already late and paying most of them wasn't cutting it.
SO...
Cilco needed $157. more and Verizon needed $50. more to keep me turned on. AND my car insurance needs $110. more by 6/17 or that's cancelled. Rent is due...and THEN as if THAT weren't enough...my baby daddy tells me today that he left his job for a new one so that ultimately means my child support will be tied up in red tape for up to 6 weeks.
I have .85 in my checking account and I am driving my car around on a donut tire...STILL. I get my paycheck Monday...for $30. wheeeeee......
I made a whopping $35 today...which I put into my gas tank.
I can't even buy a fucking pack of cigarettes and now have bitten my nails to bleeding.
I got my diploma in the mail today...YAY.
A lot of good it is doing me so far.
I have literally 75 emailed resumes out and at least 20 via snail mail.
Not one bite...not one.
Even the jobs I am unbelieveably qualified for. No response whatsoever.
So...summing up this is my week...
1. I have had to put almost every penny I have made into my gas tank because of having to drive Bubba back and forth to Pekin for day camp.
2. Donut tire.
3. Car Insurance.
4. Rent.
5. Child support.
6. The big dumping.
Is there any way that the powers that be could give me a break????
I mean- JUST ONE BREAK.
I do not ever ask for too much...I don't want to be rich, I don't care if I am smoking beautiful, I don't ask for a perfect ken doll guy.
I just want to pay my bills and have a little left over for retirement and Bubs college and maybe even get to actually fly somewhere for a REAL vacation just once perhaps. ( I have never been on a plane and have probably only visited the airport like twice in my life)
I want a good guy who doesn't beat me, or abuse Bub in any way. Someone who can love me...just LOVE me. I promise I am worth it.
I want my own home and a reliable car.
Don't need diamonds...furs...champagne wishes or caviar dreams. Don't need anything but to be happy for once...just one time in my pathetic life.
I hate the person I am...the poster child for failure. I can't even make a happy home for my son. He's not happy because I never am. I can't give him what he needs...ever.
Maybe he would be better off with my aunt. I am about to give up.
I look terrible...my stomach is in knots...I can't eat...I still can't sleep...my fingers are all wrapped with bandaids because they have been bitten to the quick. I'm a complete and total mess.
And I have the weekend to look forward to....by myself in this crackerbox.
I can't even afford to go to my own kids baseball game Saturday.
I just wanna run away from this life.
That would be great, if I had the gas to get there.
I GIVE UP.
Please God...if you can hear me...please just help me.
Just help me. ONE TIME.
Comments
Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry. I've been feeling the same way, but haven't been able to find the words to post about it on my blog.
It's the worst when you feel like you've failed as a parent. But, trust me, you haven't. You are broke, and dealing with a lot right now, but your son will be fine. He'll grow up and remember mainly the good times; and I think the bad times, the struggles, will help him grow up to be an empathetic person who has a real understanding of life and good coping skills.
Jennifer