"When you say no to me,
about anything at all,
That moment of my life becomes
Winter..."
I'm not sure where to start here. Or whether I can finish without bawling my jaded little head off.
Well, guess you never know til you try, right?
Deep breath...here goes.
Doug and I ended our relationship last night. I wish I could say it was me who began proceedings, but being the ever honest girl I am..sadly I cannot say that. I can say though that the whole thing was mostly mutual. I guess I was just prolonging the inevitable by holding in my true feelings anyway.
I know that you probably want to know what happened... I'm sure that curiosity has you all wondering. BUT...I am not really sure if I can recount it yet to anyone. What can I say? I'm just way too emotional about it right now. I cannot fathom an objective post about the who's when's and why's of it at present.
Just know this:
I am completely heartbroken...sad...lost...scared...empty.
And all of the other synonyms for upset you can possibly imagine.
Maybe I thought that if I laid down a gauntlet of my own, so to speak that he would realize...
...Ah, I don't know what I thought.
I do know that I am hating the thought of being without him for any period of time.
My heart literally...not figuratively hurts at the thought of knowing that I cannot call him in the evenings after a long day, the thought that I cannot run to the shelter of his arms when I am upset, the thought of waking up on a weekend sans kid not next to him, the thought of not seeing his smile, or hearing him crack his wonderfully sardonic jokes. The thought of me there...without him next to me at any event, any holiday, any family function. The thought of a crackling thunderstorm and him not there to reach out for, the thought of never being told that I look pretty, smell good, or even taste good. The thought...of me without him.
And of course the wonderful thought of being single for the thousandth time in my adult life.
Valentines surrounded by happy couples, Christmas alone eating a ham sandwich, My birthday alone eating cake for one, and missing him through it all.
After all...one minus one equals zero. And so...I dissapear.
We made a decision to still be friends, and inform one another if we meet other people in the long run and still hang out occasionally with kids.
Speaking of kids...
THAT is the most brutal part of all. I tried so hard not to get to attached to Lily. I struggled with all my being to not love her...keep a safe distance for fear of losing her as I did David's daughter. I truly tried.
But, you gotta know this kid...
She is by far the brightest 4 year old I have ever seen. Precocious, funny, all attitude in a pink tutu. Beautiful round blue eyes and a smile that will most assuredly break hearts from coast to coast. Funny, charming, warm and sweet. An addictive giggle that resonates throughout an entire room. I can picture here there with her hands on her hips saying: "But I don't want to take a nap!"
I was whooped the first time I met her...and I knew it. No matter how hard I tried to fight it...I just couldn't. Lily Isabel is just impossible NOT to love.
And as she hugged me today and said "See you in the summer Teresa..." I fought a fiery set of tears that burned down into my throat past my bleeding liberal heart to my empty stomach and that is where they stayed and did what they do...burned me.
Yes...we will still be friends, as much as we possibly could I guess- and yes...I will not live forever without him in my life in some capacity but...well...just but.
I know this as well...I only want him to be happy. I want him to get right and be the happy Doug I fell in love with. The guy with the snarky jokes and the witty raport. I want him to be happy with or without me because that sacrifice is what love truly is. And whether anyone doubts that I truly loved him...know this. I did...I do...always will. And just because he couldn't find his way to loving me in return is no matter. I will always. I do.
I do...
Funny how those words can end in happy and sad times, huh?
Just a coincidence that they have always been a sad set of words for me, I guess.
So...I will post more in detail about the she said she said later...like I said It is just too difficult for me right now. Just know that he was, true to form, wonderful in the way he finally said it, and there was no cheating or lying involved. It was just time, I guess.
I ran out of time, he ran out of time, and I- true to form myself...ran out of luck.
Suddenly the back bills, the flat tire, and the job search doesn't seem all that important.
Now...where did I put that copy of Bridget Jones's Diary and the pint of chocolate ice cream?
I probably won't be writing much for awhile...and just thought you should know why.
So much for my happy ending...
Winter is here.
Last thought-
"For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are those 'It might have been.'"...
-John Greenleaf Whittier
Infinitesimally yours-
Jaded
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