I remember spending entire weekends at Doug's apartment...those times when we got it just right: great sex, a nice meal out, lazy afternoons watching Nova, and me alternately thumbing through a Cosmo and laughing together at some of the far-fetched advice, and then on Sunday evening I was on my way home -sated and a little sad.We talked about our lives a little bit, but mostly I just got to lose myself with him...
He would give me one of those soft cotton T-shirts to lounge in and to wear home, or I would throw on one of his hoodies if it was chilly. They always smelled like him, like us: like pot and sex, his skin and my shampoo. The sleeves of the hoodie would fall to my fingertips, and I always felt enclosed, comforted, as if he were hugging me tight, holding my hands...
Those weekends were poetry, and hedonsitic bliss. They felt right, they felt good, and yes....they felt at times like...forever.
2 months after we started going out I asked him once what he saw when he looked into my eyes, and his response was: "The future..." (which to this day is THE most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me) As plain as that may seem to some...it was all I needed to hear in one word.
The fact that someone wanted a future with me was...jaw-dropping, at the very least.
I dreamt about that very night- last night, and woke up crying, as per standard.
I want those weekends back, like I want world peace, like I want childhood cancer to dissapear, like I want G-Dub out of office, like I want the rain when it's too hot and like I want the summer in January.
I want the peace I had then back in my life, because there has seldom been peace in my life at all.
And while he may not seem to others to be the most exciting guy on the face of the planet, he's the most exciting to me. I still get butterflies, and I never (even when things weren't going as I neurotically planned for) I never lost my "giggle" with him. His bitter and mordantly funny, and biting jokes. His poking fun at my "indian" heritage. The smell of him, the look of him, the tangled up dual personalities of him.
I miss him.
I miss us.
I miss everything I was when we were together...
Simply stated...
The happiness.
That fleeting moment of pure unadulterated joy and comfort.
The weekends that I never wanted to end.
This relationship has become a permanent Sunday.
I didn't want to leave.
Still don't.
Last thought-
"Better never to have met you in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are not there..."
-Otomo No Yakamochi
Still "reaching"-
Jaded
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