Amazing...

When I took Psych 110 back in the day, the instructor taught us about random reinforcement. You put three groups of rats in three seperate cages, each equipped with a bar. The first group of rats got a pellet every time they pressed the bar at the end of the little maze, the second group never got pellets, no matter how many times they completed the maze and pressed the bar. And the third group got pellets just once in awhile.

The first group, the instructor said, eventually gets bored with the guaranteed reward, and the rats who never get treats will give up eventually as well. But the random rats will press on that magic bar forever, hoping each and every time that the magic will happen, that this time they will finally get lucky.

I think I have it figured out finally...I am a rat.

And I have friends that are rats as well...

For instance, my friend "S" is the one with the guaranteed reward...the one who has been give good things all the time in her life and yet...she is bored with what she has. Complacent with her life and seeking out the BBD (bigger, better, deal) Her husband who is a fairly attractive man, with a good job, a dedication to his family, and a penchant for buying his wife shiny things for no reason at all...is always left wondering if "S" is being unfaithful.

And then there is "A"...

A is the rat who always pressed the bar, never saw results, and has finally just given up on her "great american story"

She parties, she flirts dangerously with unavailable men, and she spends hoildays alone for the most part. She posts her profile on dating web sites, but never repiles to any guy (even the decent ones)

She just gave up.

And I...

Well, I am the rat that has been pelleted (for lack of a better term) with love a time or two, and sadly enough as it may sound...possibly even a brush with slight happiness every now and then. So...As much as if sucks to say it.

I am the rat who keeps pressing that damn bar.

Over and over.

Being plagued with this need inside me.

"This time...he HAS to be the one, right??? This one time...I can have my cake and eat the sucker too...this one time, it has to be there, right???"

BEEEEEPPPPPP!!!!!!!

Sorry...no pellet for you m'dear...try again next time.

And sadly enough...

I do.

...and walk away despondent, sad, depressed beyond all words, cursing me, cursing my heart, hating myself for believeing and trusting and loving, and all of those other filthy, foul words of the english language.

This Monday was difficult, and I'll explain myself here in just a sec, after a small section of background.

Those of you who were able to catch the "secret" blog post that I put up on my other blog know the deal now because you read it before I had to hastily take it down. You see...in a fleeting blonde moment, I didn't realize that anyone who looks into my profile can find my other blog because they are both eblogger accounts. I did not make the other private obviously because I was planning on using it to start a memoir of sorts and be (insert laugh here) published eventually.

So...getting to my point (the long way, I know)

I didn't think anyone who hadn't read the post giving that address out on here before could gain access to it without asking for the link.

Silly, stupid girl...I realize now.

The post was about how I was still "spending time" with Doug.

But we are NOT back together.

And that I had begun "seeing" other people.

Seeing=just that...no sex, no kissing, no nothin except comapnionship.

I talked about the two new guys...one named Joe (who is not an option anymore...I am beginning to think he's a bit of an ass)

And Mark... (whom I will get to in a moment)

So, after the blog was posted...Mark (who I spoke of earlier read it...oops.) And thats how I found out that it wasn't nearly as private as I had assumed. Ahem...

And with that in mind, I freaked out, thinking..."Oh holy shit...what if Doug reads it????"

Needless to say that sucker went bye bye, as you have all probably seen by now.

And THAT my dear friends of the blogosphere, is the background. WHEW.

So, about Monday....

Monday I came clean with Doug.

I told him how I was considering seeing other people. Doug was, true to form, the wonderful guy he is, and said "Hmmm...well...that hurts a little, but what can I do?"

I then asked...

"Is this what you want?...

I am scared to death that once I take this step that there is no turning back, and the thought of that is just not bearable right now, or the thought of you seeing other people...it just makes me want to vomit. I just am not sure, Doug...What do you want?"

His answer...

"I don't know...and wasn't that the problem all along? I know that I care for you, and that I always want you in my life in some capacity, but we are in two different places right now. And perhaps, while I am not ready to date...nor do I have the time or the money to do so...maybe you have the right idea, as much as it stings to say so. I can't expect you to be my stand-by girlfriend, Teresa...It's not fair to you. Maybe you just need to see what's out there because I can't make a promise to you right now about our future."

My answer...

(cry, sob, cry some more, cry again...sob, sniffle, snort.) "Ok...well then there's this guy..."

This guy I speak of is just a friend for now before you all get excited and start planning dinner parties.

His name is Mark, and Mark is a great guy from what I can tell.

Mark has his own home, a good job, three great puppy dogs and a broken heart. (The ex wife cheated on him as well)

We now take a short break from our regularly written blog post to give you this special word from jadedgirl:

MOMENTARY BITCH FEST: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE STUPID WOMEN?????????

We now return you to the blog in progress...

So, anyway...

Mark and I are friends for right now...creeping at a snails pace and seeing what develops (like a Kodak moment)

So far, I think he's into me...and well...as conflicted as I am still...I kinda dig him too.

Physically...it's there. He's a good looking guy. Ok, OK...he's hot.

He's got the hard edged bad boy thing going. Rocker-esque fu man goatee, stellar body...hard and fit. Puppy dog brown eyes (which I am a complete sucker for), and a great smile.

And as hard as the outside is...he's all soft curves and warm welcome on the inside. Sweet hearted, open minded, and easy going. Easy to talk to, and relax with. No pressure...none whatsoever.

He knows my history...knows more about Doug than he should, and is OK with being my soft shoulder, my sounding board, if you will.

No matter what happens with us in the long run...I can tell that I can count on him to be a good friend, no matter what. And that feels good.

When I first met Mark, I thought that there was only a physical thing on my end to him, and quite frankly...I wasn't sure if he reciprocated that agenda. (Cause that infantesimal insecure side of me was screaming from inside: "SO OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE, T...GONNA GET BOOTY CALLED!!!!") But then when I met him again...something shifted, and we had a deeper connection. Now...while I still think he's a hot guy, I also respect him, and like him for who he is.

And As I said before, I have not acted on my carnal persuasions...that comes later on perhaps...we'll see how things roll.

And if that never happens because he meets someone else who's ready to jump sooner than I am...well, that's ok too because as I said before...we'll always have New York, so to speak. :o)

So Monday was hard.

I want to say that I had closure...but really...while my head might have thought that, my heart is still in disagreement there. Letting go has been a bitch, what can I say.

The rat is pushing that damn button again, and coming up empty. Unless I get this 30k a year job that I am interviewing for Monday. THEN...the rat gets the gold pellet, bitches! Pray for me...

So while sitting here drinking a martini, and smoking a cigarette...I remembered what I learned from psych 110, and here I am labeling my life: a maze.

Last thought-

"It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis..."

-Author Unknown

A"mazing"-

Jaded